Here I am in my home country feeling like I am a stranger. I belong to this place where my life existed first but I don't feel that I fit well in it. unfortunately it takes a lot off my energy to fit and be happy. sometimes i feel like leaving and run away! but it is not a solution! it's just a temporary escape! and i will have to come back!!
thinking about it deeply, I realised that it is not the place to blame nor the people. I don't have to blame no one; because I am the one who is changing! I am growing and I see things differently. it is hurting me because my realisation creates a bridge a conflict that separates me from my original society and my family.
By the day my instinct convinces me even more that this is no ones fault it is my own problem which I have to figure out ways of dealing with it and sort it by myself.
I see myself different and I feel lonely and it is so hard for me to fit in as I used to. sometimes I ask myself whom am I? what do I want in life? and where do I want to be? and I end up with one answer..... Live your day and let everything come into place in it's own time!!
BUT till when am i going to just follow what comes next? and when can I make proper future plans?
I DON'T see it happening!! I am already convinced now that I am whom I should be. a girl who exists to be herself and live the day as it comes! And stay happy!.
Friday, 21 January 2011
Thursday, 8 July 2010
One Year Later
It has been a year since I wrote last. And that was for so many reasons which I can’t understand till today. It might be my internal childhood Ego. Or me feeling of betraying myself, or could be my culture and my religion obligations. It might be my ignorance or my arrogance towards what I was supposed to grow up and be; according to my families wish!
But today I cannot hold everything inside me anymore. I feel the pressure inside me. I feel the tension and the will to take it all out to fill better things inside me. It is time to empty some pace to refill it with positive emotions, attitude and behaviours. I have been holding on things that I have grown up with just because I am afraid to let go and get lost in this life. I am not really sure yet what is all this strange feeling about. But now I am very sure that it is time to let it flow and let whatever happens next happen.
Today, I woke up feeling so tense and extremely nervous. I am so fed up. I came back to my original country when I am not ready to be in it. I wanted to stay away for a while and work on myself more. But unfortunately faith wanted more than that.
I didn’t want to write because I didn’t want to see this written. I didn’t want to put it on paper that I am back to where I don’t want to b by force. I didn’t have the choice to make the decision regarding my return, but I had to come and finish up with things I needed to deal with.
And that has a lot of things to do with my working place and my father. They think that they have authority over me. They think that they know better about my future. They gave themselves the right to talk for me and decide for every step I have to take in my life without even asking me. It is so sad to say that, but it is true and I didn’t have a choice to accept or deny. That’s it, the decision has been taken and I am obliged to follow. Unfortunately no low can stand by me or protect me as a human.
I feel a lot of anger inside me. I don’t know where to take it out and towards who because no matter how I talk, they will never get it and they will never change their minds because they think they know better as men.
When I think about it sometime if el like crying but I have a second thought and say, my tears will not solve the issue I need to use my energy to something better. But sometime I feel useless and helpless towards myself. Because I don’t have right to talk for myself how can I work on it if I can not discuss it with anyone?
I am back to my family and I love it. But that doesn’t mean that I agree with what they believe in. But my culture and religion is forcing me to b a part of it and follow what they follow. I can’t disagree and I can’t discuss I am obliged to accept and be one of them. Sometimes, I feel like I am a walking robot. That makes me feel like screaming and cry. But even that I cannot do because I should not show my depression to the family it will be shameful to my parents who can’t make me happy.
I am angry. I am confused. I am depressed and I am lost. I don’t want to victimise myself but all what I am writing is true and I want to work on it.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Life can be better.
Since the day I received the wake up call, I could feel myself a different person. A person who appreciate herself. A person who looks to life in a meaningfully and positively. Things started clearing and turned to be more obvious to my brain. My way of thinking, emotions and view of life became brighter towards many things. It is like removing dust of my furniture and making it shine.
Even the things that I hated in my life, I could get better explanation and wiser thought in a peaceful and loving way. That, helped me look at them wisely and in a wider way to solving them and make myself accept them in a satisfied way. Even the people that I hated, though I didn't mean to hate them, it was just the memories, I could forgive them and accept them the way they are. Because, I realised that I can not change them to whom I want them to be, but I can deal with them and communicate with them lovingly and in a way that satisfies me and them as well.That wake up call made me learn that life is better than what it is; it has a lot of good thing and good people. But the people are so naive and so distracted with their life requirements and life needs. Their minds are busy how to make others satisfied with them; and they are seeking to see them happy. They are running and working hard to be apprised by others, without realising that they have to appraise themselves and love themselves first in order to reach their satisfaction.How many people I have lived with and how much have I seen in life, where people get up from morning till the time they go back to bed at night, just thinking how to make the family leader or the person that (they gave the authority to judge them) happy. I was one of them and I know how exhausting it is and how it is a never ending story. And if it ends it always ends with misery and depression.
Till when will people be like that? How long does it take them to realise that they have been wasting their precious life in satisfying others? We are human beings who have been created for a reason. It is for our own happiness and our own ending. We are not born to occupy our brains for others.
Everyone has his own brain and own organs to get used of for the good things, for love, for care, for our health and happiness.
That is why each and every human being has his own brain, and that is why God didn't give the brain to only the authorised person and left us without one. If he wanted us to be controlled by one thinking, he could have created only one person with a big brain and left us without one in order to follow our leader with whatever he thinks is right or wrong for us.
He created us with hearts to love and care for ourselves and at the same way that we love ourselves to love others. He didn't give it to us to hate and create the grudge feeling, jealousy and hate. That is not us humans; that is the job of the Devil who should not exist.How long will it take human beings to realise this, it is so obvious from the day a baby is born all he receives from him parents and family is tender loving care. But what happens when he grows up? Why does it change to orders, rules, lies, threatening and punishments? Why can it not be the same care and love forever? We are human and we are born to love each others forever. We are supposed to argue when it comes to argue for lack of love. To fight for good, peaceful and loving life.Why by the age of 7 years old the child starts building fear? All of us grew up like that, feeling guilty all the time, fearful and scarred for nothing that exists in our real life. We only think of being judged even for doing good things we wait to be appraised and if not that means there must be a punishment. We need to open our brains and work on ourselves. We need to admire ourselves and love ourselves. We need to free our thinking and our souls to ask and look for the answer. We need free of being told what the answers and be accepted to argue. We should stop accepting the brain wash that we get every single day. Free ourselves, our thoughts, our souls and heart. Start searching for the truth, the way we think we are happy with without, hate, fear or judging others.
It is so hard for me as well but as I promised myself, I live the way my life is changing and I am working on it till the end.
Even the things that I hated in my life, I could get better explanation and wiser thought in a peaceful and loving way. That, helped me look at them wisely and in a wider way to solving them and make myself accept them in a satisfied way. Even the people that I hated, though I didn't mean to hate them, it was just the memories, I could forgive them and accept them the way they are. Because, I realised that I can not change them to whom I want them to be, but I can deal with them and communicate with them lovingly and in a way that satisfies me and them as well.That wake up call made me learn that life is better than what it is; it has a lot of good thing and good people. But the people are so naive and so distracted with their life requirements and life needs. Their minds are busy how to make others satisfied with them; and they are seeking to see them happy. They are running and working hard to be apprised by others, without realising that they have to appraise themselves and love themselves first in order to reach their satisfaction.How many people I have lived with and how much have I seen in life, where people get up from morning till the time they go back to bed at night, just thinking how to make the family leader or the person that (they gave the authority to judge them) happy. I was one of them and I know how exhausting it is and how it is a never ending story. And if it ends it always ends with misery and depression.
Till when will people be like that? How long does it take them to realise that they have been wasting their precious life in satisfying others? We are human beings who have been created for a reason. It is for our own happiness and our own ending. We are not born to occupy our brains for others.
Everyone has his own brain and own organs to get used of for the good things, for love, for care, for our health and happiness.
That is why each and every human being has his own brain, and that is why God didn't give the brain to only the authorised person and left us without one. If he wanted us to be controlled by one thinking, he could have created only one person with a big brain and left us without one in order to follow our leader with whatever he thinks is right or wrong for us.
He created us with hearts to love and care for ourselves and at the same way that we love ourselves to love others. He didn't give it to us to hate and create the grudge feeling, jealousy and hate. That is not us humans; that is the job of the Devil who should not exist.How long will it take human beings to realise this, it is so obvious from the day a baby is born all he receives from him parents and family is tender loving care. But what happens when he grows up? Why does it change to orders, rules, lies, threatening and punishments? Why can it not be the same care and love forever? We are human and we are born to love each others forever. We are supposed to argue when it comes to argue for lack of love. To fight for good, peaceful and loving life.Why by the age of 7 years old the child starts building fear? All of us grew up like that, feeling guilty all the time, fearful and scarred for nothing that exists in our real life. We only think of being judged even for doing good things we wait to be appraised and if not that means there must be a punishment. We need to open our brains and work on ourselves. We need to admire ourselves and love ourselves. We need to free our thinking and our souls to ask and look for the answer. We need free of being told what the answers and be accepted to argue. We should stop accepting the brain wash that we get every single day. Free ourselves, our thoughts, our souls and heart. Start searching for the truth, the way we think we are happy with without, hate, fear or judging others.
It is so hard for me as well but as I promised myself, I live the way my life is changing and I am working on it till the end.
Monday, 16 March 2009
Wake up
Making my day a happy and wonderful helped me a lot to make my spirits high. I spend one of the days which I have not spent long ago. The day has passed with lots of good memories and I loved each and every second of it.
Mid day came and I decided to try to relax and have some rest. I went to bed, but my brain was still functioning and thinking intensively. I could feel that I was asleep and at the same time my spirit and brain were communicating. I suddenly felt a lot of tension on my body and tightness on my heart. The thoughts started getting deeper and deeper and I could feel my brain arranging things but were not clear at the beginning. I could feel some darkness and pain but did not know what exactly it was.
My body started getting warmer and my heart beats were faster. I felt myself digging and digging the ground. I was digging with curiosity and frustration. Sweaty, tired, sad and so desperate to see what is under that ground. I could see myself digging and concentrating on looking forward without turning right or left, as if I was looking for a treasure which I don’t know what exactly it is myself. Suddenly, I could feel that I reached something and it was a massive round, bronze coloured thing. I tried to touch it but could feel nothing accept the heat.
At that moment I heard my brain saying to me; it is the Earth’s Core, you have reached the Earth’s Core! My eyes went wider than it ever did and my heart beats went faster and faster. And said to me; this is the earth’s core then!? This is where the gravity is controlled. This is what controls all the movements, velocity, earthquakes, electric current, the magnetic power and all what’s happening around us on the planet that we live on. I kept touching it and feeling it and at the same time all my good and bad memories came to my mind and I could feel my soul telling me; wake up and live your happy life. I then decided to climb back on the land. While I was going up my eyes were going wider and I was so impressed with the things that I have not noticed while I was busy digging. I could see on my way up all the layers of earth with all the beautiful colours that it has. I could see all sorts of creatures that live under the grounds, and the water running under there. I felt my spirit was happy and my breath becoming bigger and lighter. I could not believe that I missed all that when I was digging down. I was concentrating on one thing which is the treasure without realising how important to look and listen around when going through pain. At the same time I was so content for seeing all that and waking up from my bad dream. Seeing all those beautiful colours and wonderful creatures which survive under the ground with all that pressure and heat, made me appreciate the life that I have on top of earth.
I woke up from that dream and I was not sure either it was a day dream or what. My heart beats were faster that usual and I was so shaky and nervous. I sat on the bed for few seconds then I screamed and laughed loud and said thank you thank you thank you. Thank you my spirit, thank you my soul, thank you my wonderful universe. I got the message I thank you for the wake up call. I then went to the shower and was still reversing what happened and tried to figure out if it was a dream or not. While I was in the shower, I felt the water running on me so beautifully as if I was under a waterfall. That was the most wonderful feeling I ever had since very very long time ago. I then believed that I am finally backed to my normal life and I am back to whom I was years ago. I am alive again and I kept saying it again and again and again….
Thank you my universe thank you for waking me up. Thank you for the wake up call which I never thought it exists. Thank you.
Mid day came and I decided to try to relax and have some rest. I went to bed, but my brain was still functioning and thinking intensively. I could feel that I was asleep and at the same time my spirit and brain were communicating. I suddenly felt a lot of tension on my body and tightness on my heart. The thoughts started getting deeper and deeper and I could feel my brain arranging things but were not clear at the beginning. I could feel some darkness and pain but did not know what exactly it was.
My body started getting warmer and my heart beats were faster. I felt myself digging and digging the ground. I was digging with curiosity and frustration. Sweaty, tired, sad and so desperate to see what is under that ground. I could see myself digging and concentrating on looking forward without turning right or left, as if I was looking for a treasure which I don’t know what exactly it is myself. Suddenly, I could feel that I reached something and it was a massive round, bronze coloured thing. I tried to touch it but could feel nothing accept the heat.
At that moment I heard my brain saying to me; it is the Earth’s Core, you have reached the Earth’s Core! My eyes went wider than it ever did and my heart beats went faster and faster. And said to me; this is the earth’s core then!? This is where the gravity is controlled. This is what controls all the movements, velocity, earthquakes, electric current, the magnetic power and all what’s happening around us on the planet that we live on. I kept touching it and feeling it and at the same time all my good and bad memories came to my mind and I could feel my soul telling me; wake up and live your happy life. I then decided to climb back on the land. While I was going up my eyes were going wider and I was so impressed with the things that I have not noticed while I was busy digging. I could see on my way up all the layers of earth with all the beautiful colours that it has. I could see all sorts of creatures that live under the grounds, and the water running under there. I felt my spirit was happy and my breath becoming bigger and lighter. I could not believe that I missed all that when I was digging down. I was concentrating on one thing which is the treasure without realising how important to look and listen around when going through pain. At the same time I was so content for seeing all that and waking up from my bad dream. Seeing all those beautiful colours and wonderful creatures which survive under the ground with all that pressure and heat, made me appreciate the life that I have on top of earth.
I woke up from that dream and I was not sure either it was a day dream or what. My heart beats were faster that usual and I was so shaky and nervous. I sat on the bed for few seconds then I screamed and laughed loud and said thank you thank you thank you. Thank you my spirit, thank you my soul, thank you my wonderful universe. I got the message I thank you for the wake up call. I then went to the shower and was still reversing what happened and tried to figure out if it was a dream or not. While I was in the shower, I felt the water running on me so beautifully as if I was under a waterfall. That was the most wonderful feeling I ever had since very very long time ago. I then believed that I am finally backed to my normal life and I am back to whom I was years ago. I am alive again and I kept saying it again and again and again….
Thank you my universe thank you for waking me up. Thank you for the wake up call which I never thought it exists. Thank you.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
My soul
The last week passed around me like a strong cyclone; it was full of things happening in my surroundings. It was packed with tension, pressure, entertainment, socialisation, sadness and bitterness. I felt like I was going to collapse and give up. Everything was on an extreme high speed. My blood vessels were racing, my heart was pumping strongly, I could feel the pain in my chest and my brain was spinning in all directions at once.
I felt helpless, lost, confused, frustrated, annoyed, sad, happy, deeply hurt, guilty, and disappointed.
I could not stop my brain from thinking. I tried my best on working on it and work on arranging my thoughts together, but my brain took over the control and never allowed me to even communicate with it. I felt so tired from the whole thing and exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. But then I had no abilities to control on anything. I then decided to give up and let my brain do whatever it thinks it has to do. I felt that may be I am pushing it to do things which are not right or not on the right time.
I then, started trying to relax and think whatever happens must be happening for a reason and may be I should just let it go and see the outcome. I let go with everything and let my body take over the control of all what I feel. I tried so many time and so many way to relax but my body was still so tense and stiff. I accepted it and went with the flow feeling so exhausted and weak, but kept on going. The days passed and my brain was spinning more and more, thinking and going through everything in my life at the same time, impacting all the cells in it and causing me a lot of tension, headache, and emotional trauma which I could not control with all the tablets that I had.
Then I thought that I might need to start having sleeping tablets and may be I am stressing myself because I never allow my self to sleep. But, my brain kept driving my thoughts and the tablets never worked on me. I felt my heart is so constricted and tight and felt like opening my chest and allow it to breath freely and have some fresh air or manually contract it to release the pressure in it. I wanted any sort of solutions to stop all this because it was nearly killing me.
Felt like screaming, crying, laughing and dancing, but never worked.
I said to my self; may be I am wrong with all what I am doing and my body needs to take over me and I should give it a chance. May be the universe trying to show me something and I keep resisting it by closing all my senses and concentrating on other things.
I went out for couple of walks few days ago and I could hear the birds, wind looking at the sky and try to listen to something different than human’s voice and try to feel myself and let go with everything else, but never cared much.
One of them days I could feel that my ears are blocked and all what I heard was; birds, winds, waves, trains, cars, ambulance, police cars, kids crying, people laughing and water running, and at the same time my brain was thinking. I felt I was going crazy and something must be going wrong and I might need to see the doctor. But then, I allowed my self time to figure out what are these voices about and why do I have all this now. Day by day with the walks, and trying to listen to other voices, they allowed me to feel that I miss my self so much. And I miss my soul and humour.
I woke up two days ago realising that, I never asked my self how I want to be and what does my body needs for at least the past 15 years. I started knowing who I am within my self.
By remembering that; there is a person exists on earth, called ME, I could start working within my own soul. I could then feel that I can communicate with different things, and I felt that my own soul misses me so much and have missed the connection with my self long ago.
Realising only that, made me feel a little bit better, not relaxed but, I had the feeling of realisation, which made me relieved and satisfied.
It took me days to work on it by taking it easy, listen to my self and relax without acting towards it. I listened carefully to my own soul and I felt so emotional because I missed my soul, my self as a person and feeling the inside part of me waking up from a very deep sleep. Actually I woke up from a very long coma.
I have always thought that, I was awake the day I left my society, but I was wrong; I am just waking up. That was only an alarm which I switched off the day I arrived in this country.
Yesterday morning, I noticed that, I am so happy to find my self and I should keep talking to my soul and listen first carefully, then think, and then react. I could then appreciate who I am and could respect my self and felt the happy me who I have missed 15 years ago. I kept saying, I should like my self, appreciate who I am because that’s the way I prove my existence. I then started working on it, and started loving it. I love who I am and I admire the way that I deal with my life. I respect myself and with that only I felt my spirits going high with all the pressure that I am going through. That feeling only started relieving lots of things inside me. I felt that my body is warmer, my soul says; thank you for a appreciating me and my spirit kissing me all the time. I felt lighter than the days before, I felt like I was a dried and thirsty tree which started watering it self from the roots to the leaves. I can feel the roots in me and they are talking to me and working on coming back to life.
That feeling made me respect and love my self and working on how I should admire my self in a way or the other. Feeling it only made me starting admiring who I am and where I came from. And by admiring myself with high spirits, I feel that I can go forwards with no returns.
I went to sleep and all the thoughts as usual started racing and fighting which one should come to me first. But at the end as usual they all came and were clashing together from all directions. My head was going to blow off but couldn’t help it. Took my pain killer and sleeping tablet, but no my brain and my soul wanted to tell me something but couldn’t figure out what it was again. Suddenly, I felt some sort of relaxation in my body; I could feel my brains’ speed started slowing down. The thoughts started arranging them selves and I m never had any control on them. Everything was going slow and clearer as my brain and soul were communicating. My eyes were closed by everything in me was awake especially my brain.
Then, the thoughts of who I am came to me. I felt that, I love the way I am I love my self for many reasons. I love being a Muslim girl, because If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be who I am not. I would not be the respectful girl who values her self and value others. I would not be as polite and as considerate as I am. I wouldn’t be controlling my attitudes towards myself and the same to others. I wouldn’t start my life the way it started and made my brain grow slowly. I would have grown up faster, but I would have done lots of unacceptable mistakes and wrong decisions which I would regret doing by this age. I am so convinced with the way I am and love it. However, I have to change things but the best part is that I have control on every attitude I have inside me and I admire that so much.
I love my family, because if I grew up in a different family I wouldn’t be who I am. I appreciate each and everything they have done for me the good things and bad. Because if I didn’t go through the bad things I wouldn’t have learned anything I wouldn’t be here now.
I love the society that I came from despite the situations that I went through with them. But, I am one of them on my own way. If they didn’t do what they have done to me, I wouldn’t have learned from their mistakes. I would have stayed amongst them and liked it when I don’t belong to that place. That doesn’t mean that I am going back to it. But it means that I can set up my own life beautifully by remembering what I have learnt from those memories.
I finally started admiring myself. I feel so emotional for feeling it and finding my self. I decided to wake up and enjoy my day and felt that I have much missed the live parts of me. I missed the happy and joyful side of life and I promised my self that I should enjoy it as long as I feel it.
I felt helpless, lost, confused, frustrated, annoyed, sad, happy, deeply hurt, guilty, and disappointed.
I could not stop my brain from thinking. I tried my best on working on it and work on arranging my thoughts together, but my brain took over the control and never allowed me to even communicate with it. I felt so tired from the whole thing and exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. But then I had no abilities to control on anything. I then decided to give up and let my brain do whatever it thinks it has to do. I felt that may be I am pushing it to do things which are not right or not on the right time.
I then, started trying to relax and think whatever happens must be happening for a reason and may be I should just let it go and see the outcome. I let go with everything and let my body take over the control of all what I feel. I tried so many time and so many way to relax but my body was still so tense and stiff. I accepted it and went with the flow feeling so exhausted and weak, but kept on going. The days passed and my brain was spinning more and more, thinking and going through everything in my life at the same time, impacting all the cells in it and causing me a lot of tension, headache, and emotional trauma which I could not control with all the tablets that I had.
Then I thought that I might need to start having sleeping tablets and may be I am stressing myself because I never allow my self to sleep. But, my brain kept driving my thoughts and the tablets never worked on me. I felt my heart is so constricted and tight and felt like opening my chest and allow it to breath freely and have some fresh air or manually contract it to release the pressure in it. I wanted any sort of solutions to stop all this because it was nearly killing me.
Felt like screaming, crying, laughing and dancing, but never worked.
I said to my self; may be I am wrong with all what I am doing and my body needs to take over me and I should give it a chance. May be the universe trying to show me something and I keep resisting it by closing all my senses and concentrating on other things.
I went out for couple of walks few days ago and I could hear the birds, wind looking at the sky and try to listen to something different than human’s voice and try to feel myself and let go with everything else, but never cared much.
One of them days I could feel that my ears are blocked and all what I heard was; birds, winds, waves, trains, cars, ambulance, police cars, kids crying, people laughing and water running, and at the same time my brain was thinking. I felt I was going crazy and something must be going wrong and I might need to see the doctor. But then, I allowed my self time to figure out what are these voices about and why do I have all this now. Day by day with the walks, and trying to listen to other voices, they allowed me to feel that I miss my self so much. And I miss my soul and humour.
I woke up two days ago realising that, I never asked my self how I want to be and what does my body needs for at least the past 15 years. I started knowing who I am within my self.
By remembering that; there is a person exists on earth, called ME, I could start working within my own soul. I could then feel that I can communicate with different things, and I felt that my own soul misses me so much and have missed the connection with my self long ago.
Realising only that, made me feel a little bit better, not relaxed but, I had the feeling of realisation, which made me relieved and satisfied.
It took me days to work on it by taking it easy, listen to my self and relax without acting towards it. I listened carefully to my own soul and I felt so emotional because I missed my soul, my self as a person and feeling the inside part of me waking up from a very deep sleep. Actually I woke up from a very long coma.
I have always thought that, I was awake the day I left my society, but I was wrong; I am just waking up. That was only an alarm which I switched off the day I arrived in this country.
Yesterday morning, I noticed that, I am so happy to find my self and I should keep talking to my soul and listen first carefully, then think, and then react. I could then appreciate who I am and could respect my self and felt the happy me who I have missed 15 years ago. I kept saying, I should like my self, appreciate who I am because that’s the way I prove my existence. I then started working on it, and started loving it. I love who I am and I admire the way that I deal with my life. I respect myself and with that only I felt my spirits going high with all the pressure that I am going through. That feeling only started relieving lots of things inside me. I felt that my body is warmer, my soul says; thank you for a appreciating me and my spirit kissing me all the time. I felt lighter than the days before, I felt like I was a dried and thirsty tree which started watering it self from the roots to the leaves. I can feel the roots in me and they are talking to me and working on coming back to life.
That feeling made me respect and love my self and working on how I should admire my self in a way or the other. Feeling it only made me starting admiring who I am and where I came from. And by admiring myself with high spirits, I feel that I can go forwards with no returns.
I went to sleep and all the thoughts as usual started racing and fighting which one should come to me first. But at the end as usual they all came and were clashing together from all directions. My head was going to blow off but couldn’t help it. Took my pain killer and sleeping tablet, but no my brain and my soul wanted to tell me something but couldn’t figure out what it was again. Suddenly, I felt some sort of relaxation in my body; I could feel my brains’ speed started slowing down. The thoughts started arranging them selves and I m never had any control on them. Everything was going slow and clearer as my brain and soul were communicating. My eyes were closed by everything in me was awake especially my brain.
Then, the thoughts of who I am came to me. I felt that, I love the way I am I love my self for many reasons. I love being a Muslim girl, because If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be who I am not. I would not be the respectful girl who values her self and value others. I would not be as polite and as considerate as I am. I wouldn’t be controlling my attitudes towards myself and the same to others. I wouldn’t start my life the way it started and made my brain grow slowly. I would have grown up faster, but I would have done lots of unacceptable mistakes and wrong decisions which I would regret doing by this age. I am so convinced with the way I am and love it. However, I have to change things but the best part is that I have control on every attitude I have inside me and I admire that so much.
I love my family, because if I grew up in a different family I wouldn’t be who I am. I appreciate each and everything they have done for me the good things and bad. Because if I didn’t go through the bad things I wouldn’t have learned anything I wouldn’t be here now.
I love the society that I came from despite the situations that I went through with them. But, I am one of them on my own way. If they didn’t do what they have done to me, I wouldn’t have learned from their mistakes. I would have stayed amongst them and liked it when I don’t belong to that place. That doesn’t mean that I am going back to it. But it means that I can set up my own life beautifully by remembering what I have learnt from those memories.
I finally started admiring myself. I feel so emotional for feeling it and finding my self. I decided to wake up and enjoy my day and felt that I have much missed the live parts of me. I missed the happy and joyful side of life and I promised my self that I should enjoy it as long as I feel it.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Different
Since I left my society, I have been thinking and thinking. The thoughts are over loaded in my brain. Feelings clash on each others. Emotions fight which to go first. I feel so exhausted since I started writing and my brain fights with me to keep writing. My strong feeling of saying what is inside me is becoming stronger and harsher to my emotions. On the contrary, my heart bleeds more and more whenever I write about what hurt it all these years and what made me be whom I am now. It is such a painful, stabbing feeling which comes out of honesty and reality.
I have always known that, truth might be painful but has to be said, but now I know very well what does that mean and how painful can that be.
It is not the said part which is painful; it is the feeling part which really hurts.
I found out that when a person feels the truth inside him and figures out the mistakes that should have never been done, is much more painful than someone tells us that we were right or wrong. It is even more painful when we realise; how much we have not been fair, hurt, and humiliated our selves by forbidding our souls from the freedom of thinking and freedom of expressing our feelings, and freedom of sharing emotions and freedom of saying the truth.
Figuring all this out made me feel more eager of hearing the truth about everything. I am always looking and searching for truth of everything including my existence in this world. Even if it is not for my own happiness, but at least it is the truth of existence.
Lots of people say that I am different. I feel different and I think differently. That is true, but how different can a person be from others? Why Am I different? And what is the point of being different if I can not find people who understand me? Why was I born in a society with different way of thinking? Why did God not make me the same as others? Why did he not bring me in a society which I fit in without suffering and struggling to find my self?
Sometimes I hate the fact of being different because it is very hard to accept it and work on it. I never wanted to be different and I always wanted to be like others and be happy like them. I want to have that simple convincing life and I have always dreamed of having that kind of life.
Realising how different I am makes it harder and hared for me to find my self and figure out who exactly I am and how I can be happy. It is so hard to sit with my self and think and talk to myself because of the conflicts and the introversion in my brain. I find it so hard to sit and ask myself, what I want on this earth.
But it seems I can never escape from what I am. And can never change it because I started believing that the universe has created me the way I am for a purpose.
I am sure that God brought me here for a reason and a person can never be born for nothing. There is something inside my soul saying that I am born for a strong purpose. But before that I need to find my self and know what exactly I want in this life. I must have a goal. I must have an outcome. But, what is it? It is bigger than I even imagined. It is so much wider than my thoughts and it is so hard for me to do it alone.
I know that there are lots of things that I am going to lose in my life, but what I am more sure about is that I will find my self at the end of all this. I might need to suppress my emotions and keep focusing on my own believes.
I have always known that, truth might be painful but has to be said, but now I know very well what does that mean and how painful can that be.
It is not the said part which is painful; it is the feeling part which really hurts.
I found out that when a person feels the truth inside him and figures out the mistakes that should have never been done, is much more painful than someone tells us that we were right or wrong. It is even more painful when we realise; how much we have not been fair, hurt, and humiliated our selves by forbidding our souls from the freedom of thinking and freedom of expressing our feelings, and freedom of sharing emotions and freedom of saying the truth.
Figuring all this out made me feel more eager of hearing the truth about everything. I am always looking and searching for truth of everything including my existence in this world. Even if it is not for my own happiness, but at least it is the truth of existence.
Lots of people say that I am different. I feel different and I think differently. That is true, but how different can a person be from others? Why Am I different? And what is the point of being different if I can not find people who understand me? Why was I born in a society with different way of thinking? Why did God not make me the same as others? Why did he not bring me in a society which I fit in without suffering and struggling to find my self?
Sometimes I hate the fact of being different because it is very hard to accept it and work on it. I never wanted to be different and I always wanted to be like others and be happy like them. I want to have that simple convincing life and I have always dreamed of having that kind of life.
Realising how different I am makes it harder and hared for me to find my self and figure out who exactly I am and how I can be happy. It is so hard to sit with my self and think and talk to myself because of the conflicts and the introversion in my brain. I find it so hard to sit and ask myself, what I want on this earth.
But it seems I can never escape from what I am. And can never change it because I started believing that the universe has created me the way I am for a purpose.
I am sure that God brought me here for a reason and a person can never be born for nothing. There is something inside my soul saying that I am born for a strong purpose. But before that I need to find my self and know what exactly I want in this life. I must have a goal. I must have an outcome. But, what is it? It is bigger than I even imagined. It is so much wider than my thoughts and it is so hard for me to do it alone.
I know that there are lots of things that I am going to lose in my life, but what I am more sure about is that I will find my self at the end of all this. I might need to suppress my emotions and keep focusing on my own believes.
Friday, 13 February 2009
Is it right to fight?
Here i am on my new day after a sleepless night. Wondering and thinking again. Feeling content and emotional. Do not know what is exactly wrong with me. All the thoughts came together at ones and it is so hard for me to take. It is this bitter and painful indescribable feeling. It is the feeling of missing and loneliness. It is the feeling of pride and ignorance at the same time.
Last night all what came to my mind is how much i have fought for my life. I fought for going to school, and i remember that very well. When i was six years old and the school administration refused to enroll me because i was under age and i was supposed to be 7 in order to get into school. I still remember that day because it is one of the days which i learned how to get what i want. When they said that i can't get into the school, i went so frustrated and sat on the stairs at the entrance of the school and cried and said to my mum and the teachers that i am not moving unless they accept me in the school because i want to learn how to read and write, and i will not go home and i have the right to be in school. I remember one of the teachers laughed and spoke to the administration to let me join. So, i started school on the same day and i felt so proud that they accepted me with age of six.
I remember when my father wouldn't let me join any society in school and with my insistence he had to accept me being in one of them.
When i finished school he insisted that i should be a teacher and i went in tears saying that i will never be a teacher and here i am after fighting i am not what he wanted me to be, but he is so proud of what i am now. After my qualification i decided to go away from home and work for six months and they didn't have the choice to say no because i already decided and signed my contract.
What i remember most, is the fights that i had with my dad all those years for not allowing me to be in a relationship. I fought with all what i had. I fought with my strong words, my strong believes, my convincing way of communicating and my tears. I know i got no where after fighting for more than 6 years with him. But at the same time he knows very well that i was right and he was wrong and acting stubborn for no reason, but he never admitted it. I fought for every single thing came through my life, even for my brothers and sisters. I never accepted things that never made sense to me. That is the time when i realised that, we can get nothing without fighting. We can be buried alive if we just keep quiet and watch people killing our feelings and goals.
Why do they think that they can control our emotions? I thought the soul and emotions belong to the person himself. I don't understand why they think that they have the right to control everything we have; including our happiness and sadness. Even when we cry they force us to stop crying and when we laugh they tell us off and ask us not to laugh loud.
These emotions that come only once in a while and uncontrollable. How can they have the right to have the control over it? We have the right to laugh whenever we feel like laughing and we have the right to cry whenever we feel like crying. these feelings come at their timings and can never be changed or controlled or postponed with a remote control as they think.
Learning to fight inside myself gave me the courage of fighting whenever i think something is not right and is going very wrong. Since they i started having lots of conflicts with my family, i started feeling tired of all the fights. Sometimes i used to go back to whom i am, whenever i have the fear of losing my family or they may disown me. But most of the time i ended up being depressed and sad because that is not what i want.
The years passed and remained quiet but depressed. Fighting is not right and keeping quiet was killing me. I never had support from anyone with what was inside me. I lost my fathers trust and i lost my love which lasted for many years. I lost trust in myself too and i thought that the fault was mine to be stubborn when i know that i will end up in the same circle. I will live with a man who can take control over me because that is the way life is going in my society either i wanted or not.
Years and year were passing and i was the same. But sometimes i used to fight but i let them win because i get so emotional and tired. I cried and i got hysteric many times but no one to listen to me. I was different, so no one would come to my side because they never wanted to go through trouble and be cursed like me.
I lived like an animal who was looking or waiting for the same destiny (slotted). I waited for signs to lead me to the right way. I prayed so strongly and prayed and prayed day and night. I had a believe inside me that i will never end up like this. I was still fighting with even a small things that i cant accept in my life. I was fighting for silly thing but they were very serious to me and right. I even ended up not talking to my family for months, but i always trusted my feelings and i was confident that i was right.
I waited for so long and had the thought of leaving, but the fear controlled me. I am a girl who is used to be looked after and watched. I am not used to do things without telling anyone about them. I was scarred that i will be wrong and i will go back being bullied and punished severely. I am used to act like a pet who is waiting for someone to feed me and provide a place for me to live safely.
But i still fought. I fought for my freedom of choice when my dad said no the the man whom i wanted to marry and live all my life with. I fought and strongly refused the way he treated me when he replied to them without giving me the right of asking me if i want to marry him or not. I totally refused the way he treated me like a wall who doesn't have ears to be listened to. I fought when he said things that i never done. I fought with the way he was treating me arrogantly and proudly. I fought when he ignored my feelings and my wish in this life. I fought when he felt so confident that i am his statue in his house he can keep me as his belonging and sell me whenever he wanted. I fought when i saw him doing wrong things toward my mum and my family. My fights with him were serious and strong, but i never regretted what i did because i was right.
My biggest fight with him was last year and that is the time when i decided that i do not belong to that planet. That is the time when i was totally shocked with who he is by being a strong arrogant father. When he came to me and forced me to marry someone whom i never knew or never met. He abused me physically and emotionally with no mercy or regret. That was the biggest disappointment i ever had in my life. I fought more than i ever fought before. I went through allot of bitter moments but the outcome is the best thing i have done in my life.
That moment i believed in all what i was thinking in my entire life. That is the time when i got more convinced about my thoughts and my own believes. That is the moment when i learned that everyone lives his life for him own benefit. I felt happy for that moment to come because it cleared things and lightened my way. It showed me my path and it told me that this is the sign which you have been waiting for. It was about time and the time has come. It opened my brain which was washed and it cleared all the rubbish that it had inside. My heart said to me; Go for what you have been fighting for since you were a child. Look for your happiness and remember to come back and save other helpless girls in this world.
That was the moments when i appreciated all the fights that i have been through with lots of tears, but with a grateful heart. Fighting all these years made me a strong, confident and honest person to myself. It is bitter and it is so painful, but for sure it is what i want.
Last night all what came to my mind is how much i have fought for my life. I fought for going to school, and i remember that very well. When i was six years old and the school administration refused to enroll me because i was under age and i was supposed to be 7 in order to get into school. I still remember that day because it is one of the days which i learned how to get what i want. When they said that i can't get into the school, i went so frustrated and sat on the stairs at the entrance of the school and cried and said to my mum and the teachers that i am not moving unless they accept me in the school because i want to learn how to read and write, and i will not go home and i have the right to be in school. I remember one of the teachers laughed and spoke to the administration to let me join. So, i started school on the same day and i felt so proud that they accepted me with age of six.
I remember when my father wouldn't let me join any society in school and with my insistence he had to accept me being in one of them.
When i finished school he insisted that i should be a teacher and i went in tears saying that i will never be a teacher and here i am after fighting i am not what he wanted me to be, but he is so proud of what i am now. After my qualification i decided to go away from home and work for six months and they didn't have the choice to say no because i already decided and signed my contract.
What i remember most, is the fights that i had with my dad all those years for not allowing me to be in a relationship. I fought with all what i had. I fought with my strong words, my strong believes, my convincing way of communicating and my tears. I know i got no where after fighting for more than 6 years with him. But at the same time he knows very well that i was right and he was wrong and acting stubborn for no reason, but he never admitted it. I fought for every single thing came through my life, even for my brothers and sisters. I never accepted things that never made sense to me. That is the time when i realised that, we can get nothing without fighting. We can be buried alive if we just keep quiet and watch people killing our feelings and goals.
Why do they think that they can control our emotions? I thought the soul and emotions belong to the person himself. I don't understand why they think that they have the right to control everything we have; including our happiness and sadness. Even when we cry they force us to stop crying and when we laugh they tell us off and ask us not to laugh loud.
These emotions that come only once in a while and uncontrollable. How can they have the right to have the control over it? We have the right to laugh whenever we feel like laughing and we have the right to cry whenever we feel like crying. these feelings come at their timings and can never be changed or controlled or postponed with a remote control as they think.
Learning to fight inside myself gave me the courage of fighting whenever i think something is not right and is going very wrong. Since they i started having lots of conflicts with my family, i started feeling tired of all the fights. Sometimes i used to go back to whom i am, whenever i have the fear of losing my family or they may disown me. But most of the time i ended up being depressed and sad because that is not what i want.
The years passed and remained quiet but depressed. Fighting is not right and keeping quiet was killing me. I never had support from anyone with what was inside me. I lost my fathers trust and i lost my love which lasted for many years. I lost trust in myself too and i thought that the fault was mine to be stubborn when i know that i will end up in the same circle. I will live with a man who can take control over me because that is the way life is going in my society either i wanted or not.
Years and year were passing and i was the same. But sometimes i used to fight but i let them win because i get so emotional and tired. I cried and i got hysteric many times but no one to listen to me. I was different, so no one would come to my side because they never wanted to go through trouble and be cursed like me.
I lived like an animal who was looking or waiting for the same destiny (slotted). I waited for signs to lead me to the right way. I prayed so strongly and prayed and prayed day and night. I had a believe inside me that i will never end up like this. I was still fighting with even a small things that i cant accept in my life. I was fighting for silly thing but they were very serious to me and right. I even ended up not talking to my family for months, but i always trusted my feelings and i was confident that i was right.
I waited for so long and had the thought of leaving, but the fear controlled me. I am a girl who is used to be looked after and watched. I am not used to do things without telling anyone about them. I was scarred that i will be wrong and i will go back being bullied and punished severely. I am used to act like a pet who is waiting for someone to feed me and provide a place for me to live safely.
But i still fought. I fought for my freedom of choice when my dad said no the the man whom i wanted to marry and live all my life with. I fought and strongly refused the way he treated me when he replied to them without giving me the right of asking me if i want to marry him or not. I totally refused the way he treated me like a wall who doesn't have ears to be listened to. I fought when he said things that i never done. I fought with the way he was treating me arrogantly and proudly. I fought when he ignored my feelings and my wish in this life. I fought when he felt so confident that i am his statue in his house he can keep me as his belonging and sell me whenever he wanted. I fought when i saw him doing wrong things toward my mum and my family. My fights with him were serious and strong, but i never regretted what i did because i was right.
My biggest fight with him was last year and that is the time when i decided that i do not belong to that planet. That is the time when i was totally shocked with who he is by being a strong arrogant father. When he came to me and forced me to marry someone whom i never knew or never met. He abused me physically and emotionally with no mercy or regret. That was the biggest disappointment i ever had in my life. I fought more than i ever fought before. I went through allot of bitter moments but the outcome is the best thing i have done in my life.
That moment i believed in all what i was thinking in my entire life. That is the time when i got more convinced about my thoughts and my own believes. That is the moment when i learned that everyone lives his life for him own benefit. I felt happy for that moment to come because it cleared things and lightened my way. It showed me my path and it told me that this is the sign which you have been waiting for. It was about time and the time has come. It opened my brain which was washed and it cleared all the rubbish that it had inside. My heart said to me; Go for what you have been fighting for since you were a child. Look for your happiness and remember to come back and save other helpless girls in this world.
That was the moments when i appreciated all the fights that i have been through with lots of tears, but with a grateful heart. Fighting all these years made me a strong, confident and honest person to myself. It is bitter and it is so painful, but for sure it is what i want.
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