Since the day I received the wake up call, I could feel myself a different person. A person who appreciate herself. A person who looks to life in a meaningfully and positively. Things started clearing and turned to be more obvious to my brain. My way of thinking, emotions and view of life became brighter towards many things. It is like removing dust of my furniture and making it shine.
Even the things that I hated in my life, I could get better explanation and wiser thought in a peaceful and loving way. That, helped me look at them wisely and in a wider way to solving them and make myself accept them in a satisfied way. Even the people that I hated, though I didn't mean to hate them, it was just the memories, I could forgive them and accept them the way they are. Because, I realised that I can not change them to whom I want them to be, but I can deal with them and communicate with them lovingly and in a way that satisfies me and them as well.That wake up call made me learn that life is better than what it is; it has a lot of good thing and good people. But the people are so naive and so distracted with their life requirements and life needs. Their minds are busy how to make others satisfied with them; and they are seeking to see them happy. They are running and working hard to be apprised by others, without realising that they have to appraise themselves and love themselves first in order to reach their satisfaction.How many people I have lived with and how much have I seen in life, where people get up from morning till the time they go back to bed at night, just thinking how to make the family leader or the person that (they gave the authority to judge them) happy. I was one of them and I know how exhausting it is and how it is a never ending story. And if it ends it always ends with misery and depression.
Till when will people be like that? How long does it take them to realise that they have been wasting their precious life in satisfying others? We are human beings who have been created for a reason. It is for our own happiness and our own ending. We are not born to occupy our brains for others.
Everyone has his own brain and own organs to get used of for the good things, for love, for care, for our health and happiness.
That is why each and every human being has his own brain, and that is why God didn't give the brain to only the authorised person and left us without one. If he wanted us to be controlled by one thinking, he could have created only one person with a big brain and left us without one in order to follow our leader with whatever he thinks is right or wrong for us.
He created us with hearts to love and care for ourselves and at the same way that we love ourselves to love others. He didn't give it to us to hate and create the grudge feeling, jealousy and hate. That is not us humans; that is the job of the Devil who should not exist.How long will it take human beings to realise this, it is so obvious from the day a baby is born all he receives from him parents and family is tender loving care. But what happens when he grows up? Why does it change to orders, rules, lies, threatening and punishments? Why can it not be the same care and love forever? We are human and we are born to love each others forever. We are supposed to argue when it comes to argue for lack of love. To fight for good, peaceful and loving life.Why by the age of 7 years old the child starts building fear? All of us grew up like that, feeling guilty all the time, fearful and scarred for nothing that exists in our real life. We only think of being judged even for doing good things we wait to be appraised and if not that means there must be a punishment. We need to open our brains and work on ourselves. We need to admire ourselves and love ourselves. We need to free our thinking and our souls to ask and look for the answer. We need free of being told what the answers and be accepted to argue. We should stop accepting the brain wash that we get every single day. Free ourselves, our thoughts, our souls and heart. Start searching for the truth, the way we think we are happy with without, hate, fear or judging others.
It is so hard for me as well but as I promised myself, I live the way my life is changing and I am working on it till the end.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Monday, 16 March 2009
Wake up
Making my day a happy and wonderful helped me a lot to make my spirits high. I spend one of the days which I have not spent long ago. The day has passed with lots of good memories and I loved each and every second of it.
Mid day came and I decided to try to relax and have some rest. I went to bed, but my brain was still functioning and thinking intensively. I could feel that I was asleep and at the same time my spirit and brain were communicating. I suddenly felt a lot of tension on my body and tightness on my heart. The thoughts started getting deeper and deeper and I could feel my brain arranging things but were not clear at the beginning. I could feel some darkness and pain but did not know what exactly it was.
My body started getting warmer and my heart beats were faster. I felt myself digging and digging the ground. I was digging with curiosity and frustration. Sweaty, tired, sad and so desperate to see what is under that ground. I could see myself digging and concentrating on looking forward without turning right or left, as if I was looking for a treasure which I don’t know what exactly it is myself. Suddenly, I could feel that I reached something and it was a massive round, bronze coloured thing. I tried to touch it but could feel nothing accept the heat.
At that moment I heard my brain saying to me; it is the Earth’s Core, you have reached the Earth’s Core! My eyes went wider than it ever did and my heart beats went faster and faster. And said to me; this is the earth’s core then!? This is where the gravity is controlled. This is what controls all the movements, velocity, earthquakes, electric current, the magnetic power and all what’s happening around us on the planet that we live on. I kept touching it and feeling it and at the same time all my good and bad memories came to my mind and I could feel my soul telling me; wake up and live your happy life. I then decided to climb back on the land. While I was going up my eyes were going wider and I was so impressed with the things that I have not noticed while I was busy digging. I could see on my way up all the layers of earth with all the beautiful colours that it has. I could see all sorts of creatures that live under the grounds, and the water running under there. I felt my spirit was happy and my breath becoming bigger and lighter. I could not believe that I missed all that when I was digging down. I was concentrating on one thing which is the treasure without realising how important to look and listen around when going through pain. At the same time I was so content for seeing all that and waking up from my bad dream. Seeing all those beautiful colours and wonderful creatures which survive under the ground with all that pressure and heat, made me appreciate the life that I have on top of earth.
I woke up from that dream and I was not sure either it was a day dream or what. My heart beats were faster that usual and I was so shaky and nervous. I sat on the bed for few seconds then I screamed and laughed loud and said thank you thank you thank you. Thank you my spirit, thank you my soul, thank you my wonderful universe. I got the message I thank you for the wake up call. I then went to the shower and was still reversing what happened and tried to figure out if it was a dream or not. While I was in the shower, I felt the water running on me so beautifully as if I was under a waterfall. That was the most wonderful feeling I ever had since very very long time ago. I then believed that I am finally backed to my normal life and I am back to whom I was years ago. I am alive again and I kept saying it again and again and again….
Thank you my universe thank you for waking me up. Thank you for the wake up call which I never thought it exists. Thank you.
Mid day came and I decided to try to relax and have some rest. I went to bed, but my brain was still functioning and thinking intensively. I could feel that I was asleep and at the same time my spirit and brain were communicating. I suddenly felt a lot of tension on my body and tightness on my heart. The thoughts started getting deeper and deeper and I could feel my brain arranging things but were not clear at the beginning. I could feel some darkness and pain but did not know what exactly it was.
My body started getting warmer and my heart beats were faster. I felt myself digging and digging the ground. I was digging with curiosity and frustration. Sweaty, tired, sad and so desperate to see what is under that ground. I could see myself digging and concentrating on looking forward without turning right or left, as if I was looking for a treasure which I don’t know what exactly it is myself. Suddenly, I could feel that I reached something and it was a massive round, bronze coloured thing. I tried to touch it but could feel nothing accept the heat.
At that moment I heard my brain saying to me; it is the Earth’s Core, you have reached the Earth’s Core! My eyes went wider than it ever did and my heart beats went faster and faster. And said to me; this is the earth’s core then!? This is where the gravity is controlled. This is what controls all the movements, velocity, earthquakes, electric current, the magnetic power and all what’s happening around us on the planet that we live on. I kept touching it and feeling it and at the same time all my good and bad memories came to my mind and I could feel my soul telling me; wake up and live your happy life. I then decided to climb back on the land. While I was going up my eyes were going wider and I was so impressed with the things that I have not noticed while I was busy digging. I could see on my way up all the layers of earth with all the beautiful colours that it has. I could see all sorts of creatures that live under the grounds, and the water running under there. I felt my spirit was happy and my breath becoming bigger and lighter. I could not believe that I missed all that when I was digging down. I was concentrating on one thing which is the treasure without realising how important to look and listen around when going through pain. At the same time I was so content for seeing all that and waking up from my bad dream. Seeing all those beautiful colours and wonderful creatures which survive under the ground with all that pressure and heat, made me appreciate the life that I have on top of earth.
I woke up from that dream and I was not sure either it was a day dream or what. My heart beats were faster that usual and I was so shaky and nervous. I sat on the bed for few seconds then I screamed and laughed loud and said thank you thank you thank you. Thank you my spirit, thank you my soul, thank you my wonderful universe. I got the message I thank you for the wake up call. I then went to the shower and was still reversing what happened and tried to figure out if it was a dream or not. While I was in the shower, I felt the water running on me so beautifully as if I was under a waterfall. That was the most wonderful feeling I ever had since very very long time ago. I then believed that I am finally backed to my normal life and I am back to whom I was years ago. I am alive again and I kept saying it again and again and again….
Thank you my universe thank you for waking me up. Thank you for the wake up call which I never thought it exists. Thank you.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
My soul
The last week passed around me like a strong cyclone; it was full of things happening in my surroundings. It was packed with tension, pressure, entertainment, socialisation, sadness and bitterness. I felt like I was going to collapse and give up. Everything was on an extreme high speed. My blood vessels were racing, my heart was pumping strongly, I could feel the pain in my chest and my brain was spinning in all directions at once.
I felt helpless, lost, confused, frustrated, annoyed, sad, happy, deeply hurt, guilty, and disappointed.
I could not stop my brain from thinking. I tried my best on working on it and work on arranging my thoughts together, but my brain took over the control and never allowed me to even communicate with it. I felt so tired from the whole thing and exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. But then I had no abilities to control on anything. I then decided to give up and let my brain do whatever it thinks it has to do. I felt that may be I am pushing it to do things which are not right or not on the right time.
I then, started trying to relax and think whatever happens must be happening for a reason and may be I should just let it go and see the outcome. I let go with everything and let my body take over the control of all what I feel. I tried so many time and so many way to relax but my body was still so tense and stiff. I accepted it and went with the flow feeling so exhausted and weak, but kept on going. The days passed and my brain was spinning more and more, thinking and going through everything in my life at the same time, impacting all the cells in it and causing me a lot of tension, headache, and emotional trauma which I could not control with all the tablets that I had.
Then I thought that I might need to start having sleeping tablets and may be I am stressing myself because I never allow my self to sleep. But, my brain kept driving my thoughts and the tablets never worked on me. I felt my heart is so constricted and tight and felt like opening my chest and allow it to breath freely and have some fresh air or manually contract it to release the pressure in it. I wanted any sort of solutions to stop all this because it was nearly killing me.
Felt like screaming, crying, laughing and dancing, but never worked.
I said to my self; may be I am wrong with all what I am doing and my body needs to take over me and I should give it a chance. May be the universe trying to show me something and I keep resisting it by closing all my senses and concentrating on other things.
I went out for couple of walks few days ago and I could hear the birds, wind looking at the sky and try to listen to something different than human’s voice and try to feel myself and let go with everything else, but never cared much.
One of them days I could feel that my ears are blocked and all what I heard was; birds, winds, waves, trains, cars, ambulance, police cars, kids crying, people laughing and water running, and at the same time my brain was thinking. I felt I was going crazy and something must be going wrong and I might need to see the doctor. But then, I allowed my self time to figure out what are these voices about and why do I have all this now. Day by day with the walks, and trying to listen to other voices, they allowed me to feel that I miss my self so much. And I miss my soul and humour.
I woke up two days ago realising that, I never asked my self how I want to be and what does my body needs for at least the past 15 years. I started knowing who I am within my self.
By remembering that; there is a person exists on earth, called ME, I could start working within my own soul. I could then feel that I can communicate with different things, and I felt that my own soul misses me so much and have missed the connection with my self long ago.
Realising only that, made me feel a little bit better, not relaxed but, I had the feeling of realisation, which made me relieved and satisfied.
It took me days to work on it by taking it easy, listen to my self and relax without acting towards it. I listened carefully to my own soul and I felt so emotional because I missed my soul, my self as a person and feeling the inside part of me waking up from a very deep sleep. Actually I woke up from a very long coma.
I have always thought that, I was awake the day I left my society, but I was wrong; I am just waking up. That was only an alarm which I switched off the day I arrived in this country.
Yesterday morning, I noticed that, I am so happy to find my self and I should keep talking to my soul and listen first carefully, then think, and then react. I could then appreciate who I am and could respect my self and felt the happy me who I have missed 15 years ago. I kept saying, I should like my self, appreciate who I am because that’s the way I prove my existence. I then started working on it, and started loving it. I love who I am and I admire the way that I deal with my life. I respect myself and with that only I felt my spirits going high with all the pressure that I am going through. That feeling only started relieving lots of things inside me. I felt that my body is warmer, my soul says; thank you for a appreciating me and my spirit kissing me all the time. I felt lighter than the days before, I felt like I was a dried and thirsty tree which started watering it self from the roots to the leaves. I can feel the roots in me and they are talking to me and working on coming back to life.
That feeling made me respect and love my self and working on how I should admire my self in a way or the other. Feeling it only made me starting admiring who I am and where I came from. And by admiring myself with high spirits, I feel that I can go forwards with no returns.
I went to sleep and all the thoughts as usual started racing and fighting which one should come to me first. But at the end as usual they all came and were clashing together from all directions. My head was going to blow off but couldn’t help it. Took my pain killer and sleeping tablet, but no my brain and my soul wanted to tell me something but couldn’t figure out what it was again. Suddenly, I felt some sort of relaxation in my body; I could feel my brains’ speed started slowing down. The thoughts started arranging them selves and I m never had any control on them. Everything was going slow and clearer as my brain and soul were communicating. My eyes were closed by everything in me was awake especially my brain.
Then, the thoughts of who I am came to me. I felt that, I love the way I am I love my self for many reasons. I love being a Muslim girl, because If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be who I am not. I would not be the respectful girl who values her self and value others. I would not be as polite and as considerate as I am. I wouldn’t be controlling my attitudes towards myself and the same to others. I wouldn’t start my life the way it started and made my brain grow slowly. I would have grown up faster, but I would have done lots of unacceptable mistakes and wrong decisions which I would regret doing by this age. I am so convinced with the way I am and love it. However, I have to change things but the best part is that I have control on every attitude I have inside me and I admire that so much.
I love my family, because if I grew up in a different family I wouldn’t be who I am. I appreciate each and everything they have done for me the good things and bad. Because if I didn’t go through the bad things I wouldn’t have learned anything I wouldn’t be here now.
I love the society that I came from despite the situations that I went through with them. But, I am one of them on my own way. If they didn’t do what they have done to me, I wouldn’t have learned from their mistakes. I would have stayed amongst them and liked it when I don’t belong to that place. That doesn’t mean that I am going back to it. But it means that I can set up my own life beautifully by remembering what I have learnt from those memories.
I finally started admiring myself. I feel so emotional for feeling it and finding my self. I decided to wake up and enjoy my day and felt that I have much missed the live parts of me. I missed the happy and joyful side of life and I promised my self that I should enjoy it as long as I feel it.
I felt helpless, lost, confused, frustrated, annoyed, sad, happy, deeply hurt, guilty, and disappointed.
I could not stop my brain from thinking. I tried my best on working on it and work on arranging my thoughts together, but my brain took over the control and never allowed me to even communicate with it. I felt so tired from the whole thing and exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. But then I had no abilities to control on anything. I then decided to give up and let my brain do whatever it thinks it has to do. I felt that may be I am pushing it to do things which are not right or not on the right time.
I then, started trying to relax and think whatever happens must be happening for a reason and may be I should just let it go and see the outcome. I let go with everything and let my body take over the control of all what I feel. I tried so many time and so many way to relax but my body was still so tense and stiff. I accepted it and went with the flow feeling so exhausted and weak, but kept on going. The days passed and my brain was spinning more and more, thinking and going through everything in my life at the same time, impacting all the cells in it and causing me a lot of tension, headache, and emotional trauma which I could not control with all the tablets that I had.
Then I thought that I might need to start having sleeping tablets and may be I am stressing myself because I never allow my self to sleep. But, my brain kept driving my thoughts and the tablets never worked on me. I felt my heart is so constricted and tight and felt like opening my chest and allow it to breath freely and have some fresh air or manually contract it to release the pressure in it. I wanted any sort of solutions to stop all this because it was nearly killing me.
Felt like screaming, crying, laughing and dancing, but never worked.
I said to my self; may be I am wrong with all what I am doing and my body needs to take over me and I should give it a chance. May be the universe trying to show me something and I keep resisting it by closing all my senses and concentrating on other things.
I went out for couple of walks few days ago and I could hear the birds, wind looking at the sky and try to listen to something different than human’s voice and try to feel myself and let go with everything else, but never cared much.
One of them days I could feel that my ears are blocked and all what I heard was; birds, winds, waves, trains, cars, ambulance, police cars, kids crying, people laughing and water running, and at the same time my brain was thinking. I felt I was going crazy and something must be going wrong and I might need to see the doctor. But then, I allowed my self time to figure out what are these voices about and why do I have all this now. Day by day with the walks, and trying to listen to other voices, they allowed me to feel that I miss my self so much. And I miss my soul and humour.
I woke up two days ago realising that, I never asked my self how I want to be and what does my body needs for at least the past 15 years. I started knowing who I am within my self.
By remembering that; there is a person exists on earth, called ME, I could start working within my own soul. I could then feel that I can communicate with different things, and I felt that my own soul misses me so much and have missed the connection with my self long ago.
Realising only that, made me feel a little bit better, not relaxed but, I had the feeling of realisation, which made me relieved and satisfied.
It took me days to work on it by taking it easy, listen to my self and relax without acting towards it. I listened carefully to my own soul and I felt so emotional because I missed my soul, my self as a person and feeling the inside part of me waking up from a very deep sleep. Actually I woke up from a very long coma.
I have always thought that, I was awake the day I left my society, but I was wrong; I am just waking up. That was only an alarm which I switched off the day I arrived in this country.
Yesterday morning, I noticed that, I am so happy to find my self and I should keep talking to my soul and listen first carefully, then think, and then react. I could then appreciate who I am and could respect my self and felt the happy me who I have missed 15 years ago. I kept saying, I should like my self, appreciate who I am because that’s the way I prove my existence. I then started working on it, and started loving it. I love who I am and I admire the way that I deal with my life. I respect myself and with that only I felt my spirits going high with all the pressure that I am going through. That feeling only started relieving lots of things inside me. I felt that my body is warmer, my soul says; thank you for a appreciating me and my spirit kissing me all the time. I felt lighter than the days before, I felt like I was a dried and thirsty tree which started watering it self from the roots to the leaves. I can feel the roots in me and they are talking to me and working on coming back to life.
That feeling made me respect and love my self and working on how I should admire my self in a way or the other. Feeling it only made me starting admiring who I am and where I came from. And by admiring myself with high spirits, I feel that I can go forwards with no returns.
I went to sleep and all the thoughts as usual started racing and fighting which one should come to me first. But at the end as usual they all came and were clashing together from all directions. My head was going to blow off but couldn’t help it. Took my pain killer and sleeping tablet, but no my brain and my soul wanted to tell me something but couldn’t figure out what it was again. Suddenly, I felt some sort of relaxation in my body; I could feel my brains’ speed started slowing down. The thoughts started arranging them selves and I m never had any control on them. Everything was going slow and clearer as my brain and soul were communicating. My eyes were closed by everything in me was awake especially my brain.
Then, the thoughts of who I am came to me. I felt that, I love the way I am I love my self for many reasons. I love being a Muslim girl, because If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be who I am not. I would not be the respectful girl who values her self and value others. I would not be as polite and as considerate as I am. I wouldn’t be controlling my attitudes towards myself and the same to others. I wouldn’t start my life the way it started and made my brain grow slowly. I would have grown up faster, but I would have done lots of unacceptable mistakes and wrong decisions which I would regret doing by this age. I am so convinced with the way I am and love it. However, I have to change things but the best part is that I have control on every attitude I have inside me and I admire that so much.
I love my family, because if I grew up in a different family I wouldn’t be who I am. I appreciate each and everything they have done for me the good things and bad. Because if I didn’t go through the bad things I wouldn’t have learned anything I wouldn’t be here now.
I love the society that I came from despite the situations that I went through with them. But, I am one of them on my own way. If they didn’t do what they have done to me, I wouldn’t have learned from their mistakes. I would have stayed amongst them and liked it when I don’t belong to that place. That doesn’t mean that I am going back to it. But it means that I can set up my own life beautifully by remembering what I have learnt from those memories.
I finally started admiring myself. I feel so emotional for feeling it and finding my self. I decided to wake up and enjoy my day and felt that I have much missed the live parts of me. I missed the happy and joyful side of life and I promised my self that I should enjoy it as long as I feel it.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Different
Since I left my society, I have been thinking and thinking. The thoughts are over loaded in my brain. Feelings clash on each others. Emotions fight which to go first. I feel so exhausted since I started writing and my brain fights with me to keep writing. My strong feeling of saying what is inside me is becoming stronger and harsher to my emotions. On the contrary, my heart bleeds more and more whenever I write about what hurt it all these years and what made me be whom I am now. It is such a painful, stabbing feeling which comes out of honesty and reality.
I have always known that, truth might be painful but has to be said, but now I know very well what does that mean and how painful can that be.
It is not the said part which is painful; it is the feeling part which really hurts.
I found out that when a person feels the truth inside him and figures out the mistakes that should have never been done, is much more painful than someone tells us that we were right or wrong. It is even more painful when we realise; how much we have not been fair, hurt, and humiliated our selves by forbidding our souls from the freedom of thinking and freedom of expressing our feelings, and freedom of sharing emotions and freedom of saying the truth.
Figuring all this out made me feel more eager of hearing the truth about everything. I am always looking and searching for truth of everything including my existence in this world. Even if it is not for my own happiness, but at least it is the truth of existence.
Lots of people say that I am different. I feel different and I think differently. That is true, but how different can a person be from others? Why Am I different? And what is the point of being different if I can not find people who understand me? Why was I born in a society with different way of thinking? Why did God not make me the same as others? Why did he not bring me in a society which I fit in without suffering and struggling to find my self?
Sometimes I hate the fact of being different because it is very hard to accept it and work on it. I never wanted to be different and I always wanted to be like others and be happy like them. I want to have that simple convincing life and I have always dreamed of having that kind of life.
Realising how different I am makes it harder and hared for me to find my self and figure out who exactly I am and how I can be happy. It is so hard to sit with my self and think and talk to myself because of the conflicts and the introversion in my brain. I find it so hard to sit and ask myself, what I want on this earth.
But it seems I can never escape from what I am. And can never change it because I started believing that the universe has created me the way I am for a purpose.
I am sure that God brought me here for a reason and a person can never be born for nothing. There is something inside my soul saying that I am born for a strong purpose. But before that I need to find my self and know what exactly I want in this life. I must have a goal. I must have an outcome. But, what is it? It is bigger than I even imagined. It is so much wider than my thoughts and it is so hard for me to do it alone.
I know that there are lots of things that I am going to lose in my life, but what I am more sure about is that I will find my self at the end of all this. I might need to suppress my emotions and keep focusing on my own believes.
I have always known that, truth might be painful but has to be said, but now I know very well what does that mean and how painful can that be.
It is not the said part which is painful; it is the feeling part which really hurts.
I found out that when a person feels the truth inside him and figures out the mistakes that should have never been done, is much more painful than someone tells us that we were right or wrong. It is even more painful when we realise; how much we have not been fair, hurt, and humiliated our selves by forbidding our souls from the freedom of thinking and freedom of expressing our feelings, and freedom of sharing emotions and freedom of saying the truth.
Figuring all this out made me feel more eager of hearing the truth about everything. I am always looking and searching for truth of everything including my existence in this world. Even if it is not for my own happiness, but at least it is the truth of existence.
Lots of people say that I am different. I feel different and I think differently. That is true, but how different can a person be from others? Why Am I different? And what is the point of being different if I can not find people who understand me? Why was I born in a society with different way of thinking? Why did God not make me the same as others? Why did he not bring me in a society which I fit in without suffering and struggling to find my self?
Sometimes I hate the fact of being different because it is very hard to accept it and work on it. I never wanted to be different and I always wanted to be like others and be happy like them. I want to have that simple convincing life and I have always dreamed of having that kind of life.
Realising how different I am makes it harder and hared for me to find my self and figure out who exactly I am and how I can be happy. It is so hard to sit with my self and think and talk to myself because of the conflicts and the introversion in my brain. I find it so hard to sit and ask myself, what I want on this earth.
But it seems I can never escape from what I am. And can never change it because I started believing that the universe has created me the way I am for a purpose.
I am sure that God brought me here for a reason and a person can never be born for nothing. There is something inside my soul saying that I am born for a strong purpose. But before that I need to find my self and know what exactly I want in this life. I must have a goal. I must have an outcome. But, what is it? It is bigger than I even imagined. It is so much wider than my thoughts and it is so hard for me to do it alone.
I know that there are lots of things that I am going to lose in my life, but what I am more sure about is that I will find my self at the end of all this. I might need to suppress my emotions and keep focusing on my own believes.
Friday, 13 February 2009
Is it right to fight?
Here i am on my new day after a sleepless night. Wondering and thinking again. Feeling content and emotional. Do not know what is exactly wrong with me. All the thoughts came together at ones and it is so hard for me to take. It is this bitter and painful indescribable feeling. It is the feeling of missing and loneliness. It is the feeling of pride and ignorance at the same time.
Last night all what came to my mind is how much i have fought for my life. I fought for going to school, and i remember that very well. When i was six years old and the school administration refused to enroll me because i was under age and i was supposed to be 7 in order to get into school. I still remember that day because it is one of the days which i learned how to get what i want. When they said that i can't get into the school, i went so frustrated and sat on the stairs at the entrance of the school and cried and said to my mum and the teachers that i am not moving unless they accept me in the school because i want to learn how to read and write, and i will not go home and i have the right to be in school. I remember one of the teachers laughed and spoke to the administration to let me join. So, i started school on the same day and i felt so proud that they accepted me with age of six.
I remember when my father wouldn't let me join any society in school and with my insistence he had to accept me being in one of them.
When i finished school he insisted that i should be a teacher and i went in tears saying that i will never be a teacher and here i am after fighting i am not what he wanted me to be, but he is so proud of what i am now. After my qualification i decided to go away from home and work for six months and they didn't have the choice to say no because i already decided and signed my contract.
What i remember most, is the fights that i had with my dad all those years for not allowing me to be in a relationship. I fought with all what i had. I fought with my strong words, my strong believes, my convincing way of communicating and my tears. I know i got no where after fighting for more than 6 years with him. But at the same time he knows very well that i was right and he was wrong and acting stubborn for no reason, but he never admitted it. I fought for every single thing came through my life, even for my brothers and sisters. I never accepted things that never made sense to me. That is the time when i realised that, we can get nothing without fighting. We can be buried alive if we just keep quiet and watch people killing our feelings and goals.
Why do they think that they can control our emotions? I thought the soul and emotions belong to the person himself. I don't understand why they think that they have the right to control everything we have; including our happiness and sadness. Even when we cry they force us to stop crying and when we laugh they tell us off and ask us not to laugh loud.
These emotions that come only once in a while and uncontrollable. How can they have the right to have the control over it? We have the right to laugh whenever we feel like laughing and we have the right to cry whenever we feel like crying. these feelings come at their timings and can never be changed or controlled or postponed with a remote control as they think.
Learning to fight inside myself gave me the courage of fighting whenever i think something is not right and is going very wrong. Since they i started having lots of conflicts with my family, i started feeling tired of all the fights. Sometimes i used to go back to whom i am, whenever i have the fear of losing my family or they may disown me. But most of the time i ended up being depressed and sad because that is not what i want.
The years passed and remained quiet but depressed. Fighting is not right and keeping quiet was killing me. I never had support from anyone with what was inside me. I lost my fathers trust and i lost my love which lasted for many years. I lost trust in myself too and i thought that the fault was mine to be stubborn when i know that i will end up in the same circle. I will live with a man who can take control over me because that is the way life is going in my society either i wanted or not.
Years and year were passing and i was the same. But sometimes i used to fight but i let them win because i get so emotional and tired. I cried and i got hysteric many times but no one to listen to me. I was different, so no one would come to my side because they never wanted to go through trouble and be cursed like me.
I lived like an animal who was looking or waiting for the same destiny (slotted). I waited for signs to lead me to the right way. I prayed so strongly and prayed and prayed day and night. I had a believe inside me that i will never end up like this. I was still fighting with even a small things that i cant accept in my life. I was fighting for silly thing but they were very serious to me and right. I even ended up not talking to my family for months, but i always trusted my feelings and i was confident that i was right.
I waited for so long and had the thought of leaving, but the fear controlled me. I am a girl who is used to be looked after and watched. I am not used to do things without telling anyone about them. I was scarred that i will be wrong and i will go back being bullied and punished severely. I am used to act like a pet who is waiting for someone to feed me and provide a place for me to live safely.
But i still fought. I fought for my freedom of choice when my dad said no the the man whom i wanted to marry and live all my life with. I fought and strongly refused the way he treated me when he replied to them without giving me the right of asking me if i want to marry him or not. I totally refused the way he treated me like a wall who doesn't have ears to be listened to. I fought when he said things that i never done. I fought with the way he was treating me arrogantly and proudly. I fought when he ignored my feelings and my wish in this life. I fought when he felt so confident that i am his statue in his house he can keep me as his belonging and sell me whenever he wanted. I fought when i saw him doing wrong things toward my mum and my family. My fights with him were serious and strong, but i never regretted what i did because i was right.
My biggest fight with him was last year and that is the time when i decided that i do not belong to that planet. That is the time when i was totally shocked with who he is by being a strong arrogant father. When he came to me and forced me to marry someone whom i never knew or never met. He abused me physically and emotionally with no mercy or regret. That was the biggest disappointment i ever had in my life. I fought more than i ever fought before. I went through allot of bitter moments but the outcome is the best thing i have done in my life.
That moment i believed in all what i was thinking in my entire life. That is the time when i got more convinced about my thoughts and my own believes. That is the moment when i learned that everyone lives his life for him own benefit. I felt happy for that moment to come because it cleared things and lightened my way. It showed me my path and it told me that this is the sign which you have been waiting for. It was about time and the time has come. It opened my brain which was washed and it cleared all the rubbish that it had inside. My heart said to me; Go for what you have been fighting for since you were a child. Look for your happiness and remember to come back and save other helpless girls in this world.
That was the moments when i appreciated all the fights that i have been through with lots of tears, but with a grateful heart. Fighting all these years made me a strong, confident and honest person to myself. It is bitter and it is so painful, but for sure it is what i want.
Last night all what came to my mind is how much i have fought for my life. I fought for going to school, and i remember that very well. When i was six years old and the school administration refused to enroll me because i was under age and i was supposed to be 7 in order to get into school. I still remember that day because it is one of the days which i learned how to get what i want. When they said that i can't get into the school, i went so frustrated and sat on the stairs at the entrance of the school and cried and said to my mum and the teachers that i am not moving unless they accept me in the school because i want to learn how to read and write, and i will not go home and i have the right to be in school. I remember one of the teachers laughed and spoke to the administration to let me join. So, i started school on the same day and i felt so proud that they accepted me with age of six.
I remember when my father wouldn't let me join any society in school and with my insistence he had to accept me being in one of them.
When i finished school he insisted that i should be a teacher and i went in tears saying that i will never be a teacher and here i am after fighting i am not what he wanted me to be, but he is so proud of what i am now. After my qualification i decided to go away from home and work for six months and they didn't have the choice to say no because i already decided and signed my contract.
What i remember most, is the fights that i had with my dad all those years for not allowing me to be in a relationship. I fought with all what i had. I fought with my strong words, my strong believes, my convincing way of communicating and my tears. I know i got no where after fighting for more than 6 years with him. But at the same time he knows very well that i was right and he was wrong and acting stubborn for no reason, but he never admitted it. I fought for every single thing came through my life, even for my brothers and sisters. I never accepted things that never made sense to me. That is the time when i realised that, we can get nothing without fighting. We can be buried alive if we just keep quiet and watch people killing our feelings and goals.
Why do they think that they can control our emotions? I thought the soul and emotions belong to the person himself. I don't understand why they think that they have the right to control everything we have; including our happiness and sadness. Even when we cry they force us to stop crying and when we laugh they tell us off and ask us not to laugh loud.
These emotions that come only once in a while and uncontrollable. How can they have the right to have the control over it? We have the right to laugh whenever we feel like laughing and we have the right to cry whenever we feel like crying. these feelings come at their timings and can never be changed or controlled or postponed with a remote control as they think.
Learning to fight inside myself gave me the courage of fighting whenever i think something is not right and is going very wrong. Since they i started having lots of conflicts with my family, i started feeling tired of all the fights. Sometimes i used to go back to whom i am, whenever i have the fear of losing my family or they may disown me. But most of the time i ended up being depressed and sad because that is not what i want.
The years passed and remained quiet but depressed. Fighting is not right and keeping quiet was killing me. I never had support from anyone with what was inside me. I lost my fathers trust and i lost my love which lasted for many years. I lost trust in myself too and i thought that the fault was mine to be stubborn when i know that i will end up in the same circle. I will live with a man who can take control over me because that is the way life is going in my society either i wanted or not.
Years and year were passing and i was the same. But sometimes i used to fight but i let them win because i get so emotional and tired. I cried and i got hysteric many times but no one to listen to me. I was different, so no one would come to my side because they never wanted to go through trouble and be cursed like me.
I lived like an animal who was looking or waiting for the same destiny (slotted). I waited for signs to lead me to the right way. I prayed so strongly and prayed and prayed day and night. I had a believe inside me that i will never end up like this. I was still fighting with even a small things that i cant accept in my life. I was fighting for silly thing but they were very serious to me and right. I even ended up not talking to my family for months, but i always trusted my feelings and i was confident that i was right.
I waited for so long and had the thought of leaving, but the fear controlled me. I am a girl who is used to be looked after and watched. I am not used to do things without telling anyone about them. I was scarred that i will be wrong and i will go back being bullied and punished severely. I am used to act like a pet who is waiting for someone to feed me and provide a place for me to live safely.
But i still fought. I fought for my freedom of choice when my dad said no the the man whom i wanted to marry and live all my life with. I fought and strongly refused the way he treated me when he replied to them without giving me the right of asking me if i want to marry him or not. I totally refused the way he treated me like a wall who doesn't have ears to be listened to. I fought when he said things that i never done. I fought with the way he was treating me arrogantly and proudly. I fought when he ignored my feelings and my wish in this life. I fought when he felt so confident that i am his statue in his house he can keep me as his belonging and sell me whenever he wanted. I fought when i saw him doing wrong things toward my mum and my family. My fights with him were serious and strong, but i never regretted what i did because i was right.
My biggest fight with him was last year and that is the time when i decided that i do not belong to that planet. That is the time when i was totally shocked with who he is by being a strong arrogant father. When he came to me and forced me to marry someone whom i never knew or never met. He abused me physically and emotionally with no mercy or regret. That was the biggest disappointment i ever had in my life. I fought more than i ever fought before. I went through allot of bitter moments but the outcome is the best thing i have done in my life.
That moment i believed in all what i was thinking in my entire life. That is the time when i got more convinced about my thoughts and my own believes. That is the moment when i learned that everyone lives his life for him own benefit. I felt happy for that moment to come because it cleared things and lightened my way. It showed me my path and it told me that this is the sign which you have been waiting for. It was about time and the time has come. It opened my brain which was washed and it cleared all the rubbish that it had inside. My heart said to me; Go for what you have been fighting for since you were a child. Look for your happiness and remember to come back and save other helpless girls in this world.
That was the moments when i appreciated all the fights that i have been through with lots of tears, but with a grateful heart. Fighting all these years made me a strong, confident and honest person to myself. It is bitter and it is so painful, but for sure it is what i want.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
guilt??
Since last week, a strange feeling came to my heart. I tried every day to make it less or easier but couldn’t. It is very strange strong feeling of a mixed emotions between; sadness, happiness, regret, fear, prejudice and guilt. Each of these feeling try to control my heart but I never allowed them and that makes it even harder for me. But I think guilt is in me more than all the others.
I guess that is because guilty is the only feeling that I have always had when I see or say the truth and no one accepts it. Guilt is the feeling that has always been inside us since we were born. Perhaps, we always had to watch our attitudes and actions towards ourselves. And the habit of going back to our actions every night before we go to bed makes us feel accountable and guilty for even silly mistakes. And pray and ask for forgiveness before bed.
I keep asking my self, am I wrong by saying the truth? Will I be in trouble for saying it? Am I putting my self in more hassle than what I am in? Am I going to be punished or blamed? But then my own conscious wakes me up and says; that is what you should do. Wake up from your lies and your past. Live the moment and feel happy for doing what you finally want to do. The past has gone and your future is calling you.
Why do I have these feelings at this time of my life? Why did I not step forward when I was younger? What have I been doing all those past year?
But still this feeling is killing me and tightens my heart. I am not sure if it is the feeling of guilt that I betrayed my society and my family which I originally came from.
It is the hardest feeling I ever had in my life. The feeling of being against whom I originally was. The feeling that all what I was before is wrong. The feeling of remembering big mistakes which were never acceptable to me, but I never argued about.
All this makes me wonder. Where exactly am I standing and where will I end up. These thoughts take me very far away. They make me ask and search inside me. Try to find where exactly I can fit in this universe. Sometimes I sleep content and happy because I am convinced with what I am doing and feel proud of what I am now. And sometimes I sleep being confused and lost wondering if I am doing the right thing by being against the people who took care of me and made me grow up the way I am.
I never had the courage to push my self to the real things till now and it hurts me so much. I am doing things that I thought I will never do and it is impossible to be acceptable in my life.
I sacrificed with all what I had in my previous life and all that for the truth and my happiness.
Yes, now I started feeling happy with who I am and what I have achieved so far in my new life. But, when I look back it hurts me to remember what I have left behind. I left everything; I left the people that I love. I left my family. I left my friends and my colleagues and everything reminds me with my childhood. What do I have now? Yes I am happy for what I am doing now. I am more grateful and proud that I managed to get out of that box. But at the same time, I feel scared and worried. I am worried that I will never get to what I have always dreamed of. I am scared that I will go back. Going back to what I was is the main fear of my entire life. I know on the other hand my society is not happy at all and that makes it hard for me. But what else can I do? Go back? NO WAY.
I have learned that making a change is on the person’s own hand and no one else. So, I promise my self that I will always try to remain strong no matter what happens to me and how my society is going to react with all this. But as I promised again I am not going back.
I guess that is because guilty is the only feeling that I have always had when I see or say the truth and no one accepts it. Guilt is the feeling that has always been inside us since we were born. Perhaps, we always had to watch our attitudes and actions towards ourselves. And the habit of going back to our actions every night before we go to bed makes us feel accountable and guilty for even silly mistakes. And pray and ask for forgiveness before bed.
I keep asking my self, am I wrong by saying the truth? Will I be in trouble for saying it? Am I putting my self in more hassle than what I am in? Am I going to be punished or blamed? But then my own conscious wakes me up and says; that is what you should do. Wake up from your lies and your past. Live the moment and feel happy for doing what you finally want to do. The past has gone and your future is calling you.
Why do I have these feelings at this time of my life? Why did I not step forward when I was younger? What have I been doing all those past year?
But still this feeling is killing me and tightens my heart. I am not sure if it is the feeling of guilt that I betrayed my society and my family which I originally came from.
It is the hardest feeling I ever had in my life. The feeling of being against whom I originally was. The feeling that all what I was before is wrong. The feeling of remembering big mistakes which were never acceptable to me, but I never argued about.
All this makes me wonder. Where exactly am I standing and where will I end up. These thoughts take me very far away. They make me ask and search inside me. Try to find where exactly I can fit in this universe. Sometimes I sleep content and happy because I am convinced with what I am doing and feel proud of what I am now. And sometimes I sleep being confused and lost wondering if I am doing the right thing by being against the people who took care of me and made me grow up the way I am.
I never had the courage to push my self to the real things till now and it hurts me so much. I am doing things that I thought I will never do and it is impossible to be acceptable in my life.
I sacrificed with all what I had in my previous life and all that for the truth and my happiness.
Yes, now I started feeling happy with who I am and what I have achieved so far in my new life. But, when I look back it hurts me to remember what I have left behind. I left everything; I left the people that I love. I left my family. I left my friends and my colleagues and everything reminds me with my childhood. What do I have now? Yes I am happy for what I am doing now. I am more grateful and proud that I managed to get out of that box. But at the same time, I feel scared and worried. I am worried that I will never get to what I have always dreamed of. I am scared that I will go back. Going back to what I was is the main fear of my entire life. I know on the other hand my society is not happy at all and that makes it hard for me. But what else can I do? Go back? NO WAY.
I have learned that making a change is on the person’s own hand and no one else. So, I promise my self that I will always try to remain strong no matter what happens to me and how my society is going to react with all this. But as I promised again I am not going back.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Real or fake!
I came to this new world of mine, searching for myself. This new world made me learn a lot of things in very short time. During these few months of my new life, refreshed my mind, arranged my thoughts accordingly, my memories, my spirit and brought my self to the real me. Thinking about the past hurts me a lot, but makes me learn from all what I have seen and have been through. It made me analyse exactly what I have gone through without seeing, how blind I was and how I lived my past 29 years.
I found that I was living a totally fake life towards my self. I lived for others but never for my self. That life belonged to people who loved living in a box or a circle which is controlled by one person. That dark box makes them bang back to where they belong whenever they think of something new or different. They go back without their choice. They go back because they are scared of being punished. That one person rules the whole society and the rest has to obey the rules because they are committed to do so.
I wanted to fit in the society accordingly; so I had to follow the rules as well. I never wanted to be disowned or abandoned by my family or the people that I always loved. At the same time I didn’t want to do everything they wanted me to do, but I had to do so. I always did what I am told to see them happy and be safe amongst them.
I never saw the other part of life. I was totally blind and brain washed. I couldn’t see out of the dark box because the walls were so high and we were not allowed to look behind the wall. I always had a feeling that, what is inside the box is not enough for me to know, but I was so scared to ask. Whenever we ask, we got told that we should not ask what is above our capability. My feelings kept telling me that, what is inside the box is not everything in life. There must be some other important things to know out there I have to know about. A thing that may lead me to happiness and this is not my happiness. But again, fear had the full control of my brain and my heart.
Most of the times I got confused by seeing forbidden things happen when we are not allowed to do them. Things that others do when I am not supposed to do and keep asking myself, how can they do it if I can’t? How can they be authorised and we are not? It never came to my mind to argue about it because they made us believe that; they can do it because they are men and we can’t do it because we as women are not supposed to do.
I can’t believe it today that, this excuse used to convince me without a question. I was naïve and never wanted to go through arguments and trouble. I loved the way I was just nice, sweet and have a peaceful time by seeing them happy. I guess that way was the easiest way to live happily.
I never thought that I wasn’t fair with my self. I used to suppress my feelings and butter it with fake reasons and sleep.
Unconsciously, I was cheating my self without knowing. I was cheating my self, my brain, my heart, my feelings cheating my family and cheating the whole society. I even cheated God who forbids cheating and lies. I never wanted to be what they wanted me to be. I was acting for the past 28 years. I did it for them not for my self.
Sometimes we tell ourselves it is just a small lie to take us out of trouble. Sometimes living in society which pushes you to obey their commands persuades you to lie. When you have to do things you are not convinced to do, you try to find a solution to escape from that attitude and you end up happily lying to the whole community. Just not to do what they ask you to do.
Starting that small lie in my life and finding it the only way of escape, made it a habit in me. I always thought that I am not really lying I am doing what is right to me. I have always showed them that I am the prefect girl, but sometimes when I needed my freedom I had to lie. Like going to a party or going and hang out with friends. It was always hard for me to say the truth because they would never allow me to go.
I can’t believe it today, that I had to lie to my family just to go out and see my friends. I can’t believe how much we were suppressed and forbidden from our freedom.
I dress up the way they want, but I go out and meet male friends when I am not supposed to. I dance with men when I am not allowed to touch them or shake hands with hem. I know that I am not allowed in religion and in the society, but I want to do so and that is the way I want to live. I have been cheating my self with all that. I have been confused and lost and could never find my self.
I never knew what exactly I wanted in life. Never knew what is real and what is fake from seeing how much people are act in front of each others. They can never be real because they are not supposed to be real.
That made me so scared and so insecure, even with myself and until today. I keep asking myself, what exactly do I want in life? And where do I exactly want to be. Sometimes I can’t even trust my self, because I am between my past and my present life. My thoughts are fighting, my past and present life are debating. My heart and my brain are in conflict. And my life is fighting for its’ happiness. But I will curry on searching until I find my way in the right time, but will never go back.
I found that I was living a totally fake life towards my self. I lived for others but never for my self. That life belonged to people who loved living in a box or a circle which is controlled by one person. That dark box makes them bang back to where they belong whenever they think of something new or different. They go back without their choice. They go back because they are scared of being punished. That one person rules the whole society and the rest has to obey the rules because they are committed to do so.
I wanted to fit in the society accordingly; so I had to follow the rules as well. I never wanted to be disowned or abandoned by my family or the people that I always loved. At the same time I didn’t want to do everything they wanted me to do, but I had to do so. I always did what I am told to see them happy and be safe amongst them.
I never saw the other part of life. I was totally blind and brain washed. I couldn’t see out of the dark box because the walls were so high and we were not allowed to look behind the wall. I always had a feeling that, what is inside the box is not enough for me to know, but I was so scared to ask. Whenever we ask, we got told that we should not ask what is above our capability. My feelings kept telling me that, what is inside the box is not everything in life. There must be some other important things to know out there I have to know about. A thing that may lead me to happiness and this is not my happiness. But again, fear had the full control of my brain and my heart.
Most of the times I got confused by seeing forbidden things happen when we are not allowed to do them. Things that others do when I am not supposed to do and keep asking myself, how can they do it if I can’t? How can they be authorised and we are not? It never came to my mind to argue about it because they made us believe that; they can do it because they are men and we can’t do it because we as women are not supposed to do.
I can’t believe it today that, this excuse used to convince me without a question. I was naïve and never wanted to go through arguments and trouble. I loved the way I was just nice, sweet and have a peaceful time by seeing them happy. I guess that way was the easiest way to live happily.
I never thought that I wasn’t fair with my self. I used to suppress my feelings and butter it with fake reasons and sleep.
Unconsciously, I was cheating my self without knowing. I was cheating my self, my brain, my heart, my feelings cheating my family and cheating the whole society. I even cheated God who forbids cheating and lies. I never wanted to be what they wanted me to be. I was acting for the past 28 years. I did it for them not for my self.
Sometimes we tell ourselves it is just a small lie to take us out of trouble. Sometimes living in society which pushes you to obey their commands persuades you to lie. When you have to do things you are not convinced to do, you try to find a solution to escape from that attitude and you end up happily lying to the whole community. Just not to do what they ask you to do.
Starting that small lie in my life and finding it the only way of escape, made it a habit in me. I always thought that I am not really lying I am doing what is right to me. I have always showed them that I am the prefect girl, but sometimes when I needed my freedom I had to lie. Like going to a party or going and hang out with friends. It was always hard for me to say the truth because they would never allow me to go.
I can’t believe it today, that I had to lie to my family just to go out and see my friends. I can’t believe how much we were suppressed and forbidden from our freedom.
I dress up the way they want, but I go out and meet male friends when I am not supposed to. I dance with men when I am not allowed to touch them or shake hands with hem. I know that I am not allowed in religion and in the society, but I want to do so and that is the way I want to live. I have been cheating my self with all that. I have been confused and lost and could never find my self.
I never knew what exactly I wanted in life. Never knew what is real and what is fake from seeing how much people are act in front of each others. They can never be real because they are not supposed to be real.
That made me so scared and so insecure, even with myself and until today. I keep asking myself, what exactly do I want in life? And where do I exactly want to be. Sometimes I can’t even trust my self, because I am between my past and my present life. My thoughts are fighting, my past and present life are debating. My heart and my brain are in conflict. And my life is fighting for its’ happiness. But I will curry on searching until I find my way in the right time, but will never go back.
Monday, 26 January 2009
Although, we have grown up and feel responsible and sensible about what we do in life, we are never sure about our future life decisions. Perhaps, we are prohibited to decide about our own lives independently, because we are never independents.
Even if we are told that we have our freedom of going to school and university, there are more important things in life which are forbidden from us.
Unconsciously, it turns up that we are obliged to think about what others will think about our decisions. We always have to think of the consequences of the thoughts that we have taken, as have always believed that they have the right to decide for us. We are always uncertain and doubtful regarding our own decisions. We have this big special place in our life where we think that it always belongs to a man. This special place somehow can never be controlled by us. The remote control is on the man’s hand, which he can play with it the way that suites him and we happily agree with it like clowns. It is never the thought that we could fill that special place with something more beneficial for our lives than making it for them. Or think of clearing that space and make it perfectly beneficial for our brains to grow and make it bigger than what it is, rather than, making others brain-wash us.
We always believed that we can not make a step before we ask a man about it, because they are always better thinkers, particularly the older men.
We always respected others especially the older, but there is never a treat or reward for doing so. They always enjoy practicing all sorts of punishments, assaults, violence, physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse on us.
They have always expected us to do things for them under pressure and threats. It is all because they are strongly selfish and arrogant about whom they are. More importantly, that is because we allowed them to be stronger than us by being naive and peaceful creatures, and allowing them to act with us stubbornly.
They always think that women can never think wisely as they do. That is because, decisions women take is going to make their reputation lower in front of the society and that is a big shame in front of the whole world.
They believe that they are the only ones who can make things right without making any black spots in their life when they face God. They never care how they treat the people living all their life around them, as long as they think it is the right way for them selves.
How can that be acceptable in front of God if they are not fair with their own wives, sisters and kids? It is really hard to trust a person if he says something as an order or an advice if it doesn’t apply to him self first. That is not acceptable at all to me. It is really hard for me to trust that person or believe in him. Thinking that they own us is a humiliation and degrading to who I am. We have always been civilised at home, but what did we get out of that?
We are treated like animals or sheep that they can lead however they want. Talking for our own rights makes them treat us like silent walls with no ears listening to us, and with total ignorance, which makes us feel nothing on earth. Makes us feel so low and deserve nothing to live for.
They take us the way they want, sort us out they way it pleases them. Make us dressed up in a way that we can never be looked at, making us look so miserable and sad. Seeing us depressed is their own pleasure because they think we are not born to be happy.
Power of religion and power of ownership has always been on top of everything. They made the rules and we are obliged to follow with no choice. It has always been on man’s hand and there is always a force which pushes us to obey commands with no questions. Never our choice because we never knew that there is something named as a choice in life. We have always been ruled by a force which we have been listened to since we were kids, and follow what our mothers did as it is always considered to be the right and the only was we can live.
Seeing our mothers follow that way of life made us so convinced and believe about it being right.
We never seen suffer in their faces as they always smiled and hidden their sadness in their heart. We never seen the bitterness of pain that they had gone through with that smile which raised us up in the way that men wanted us to be.
They never had the power on their hands to change our destiny. It has always been that man’s and the society’s choice. They had no choice or power to change and make our life better.
Men always feel so confident by having that power of control on their side and do what they think is good for them selves. They always do what is related to their happiness no matter how the other side feels about it. They act so arrogantly with their sisters, wives and mothers and daughters without any sense of humanity.
We are treated like animals or sheep that they can lead however they want. Take us the way they want, sort us out they way it pleases them. Make us dressed up in a way that we can never be looked at, make us look so miserable and sad. Seeing us depressed is their own pleasure because they think we are not born to be happy. And marry the person that they think he is right for us.
Marriage is under circumstances; it has to be agreed by the whole community and society. And last, it depends of the generosity of men; she is either told that she has to marry the guy or never bothered asking her opinion about it at all, as they consider themselves responsible about her entire life and her destiny. In order to make it right and clear in front of God and the society, they are the only ones who have the right to decided about our marriage life. How can that be acceptable or applicable in today’s generation?
It might be true that God have made us out of clay, but that doesn’t mean that they can make a woman like the way a baker bakes a cake.
If life is about taking someone’s rights on earth, then there is no point of brining a baby in this life. It causes more harm and more pain to them. It is exactly like burying them alive by making them miserable.
Life is more than taking human’s right. It is about mentality growth and humanisation…..
Even if we are told that we have our freedom of going to school and university, there are more important things in life which are forbidden from us.
Unconsciously, it turns up that we are obliged to think about what others will think about our decisions. We always have to think of the consequences of the thoughts that we have taken, as have always believed that they have the right to decide for us. We are always uncertain and doubtful regarding our own decisions. We have this big special place in our life where we think that it always belongs to a man. This special place somehow can never be controlled by us. The remote control is on the man’s hand, which he can play with it the way that suites him and we happily agree with it like clowns. It is never the thought that we could fill that special place with something more beneficial for our lives than making it for them. Or think of clearing that space and make it perfectly beneficial for our brains to grow and make it bigger than what it is, rather than, making others brain-wash us.
We always believed that we can not make a step before we ask a man about it, because they are always better thinkers, particularly the older men.
We always respected others especially the older, but there is never a treat or reward for doing so. They always enjoy practicing all sorts of punishments, assaults, violence, physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse on us.
They have always expected us to do things for them under pressure and threats. It is all because they are strongly selfish and arrogant about whom they are. More importantly, that is because we allowed them to be stronger than us by being naive and peaceful creatures, and allowing them to act with us stubbornly.
They always think that women can never think wisely as they do. That is because, decisions women take is going to make their reputation lower in front of the society and that is a big shame in front of the whole world.
They believe that they are the only ones who can make things right without making any black spots in their life when they face God. They never care how they treat the people living all their life around them, as long as they think it is the right way for them selves.
How can that be acceptable in front of God if they are not fair with their own wives, sisters and kids? It is really hard to trust a person if he says something as an order or an advice if it doesn’t apply to him self first. That is not acceptable at all to me. It is really hard for me to trust that person or believe in him. Thinking that they own us is a humiliation and degrading to who I am. We have always been civilised at home, but what did we get out of that?
We are treated like animals or sheep that they can lead however they want. Talking for our own rights makes them treat us like silent walls with no ears listening to us, and with total ignorance, which makes us feel nothing on earth. Makes us feel so low and deserve nothing to live for.
They take us the way they want, sort us out they way it pleases them. Make us dressed up in a way that we can never be looked at, making us look so miserable and sad. Seeing us depressed is their own pleasure because they think we are not born to be happy.
Power of religion and power of ownership has always been on top of everything. They made the rules and we are obliged to follow with no choice. It has always been on man’s hand and there is always a force which pushes us to obey commands with no questions. Never our choice because we never knew that there is something named as a choice in life. We have always been ruled by a force which we have been listened to since we were kids, and follow what our mothers did as it is always considered to be the right and the only was we can live.
Seeing our mothers follow that way of life made us so convinced and believe about it being right.
We never seen suffer in their faces as they always smiled and hidden their sadness in their heart. We never seen the bitterness of pain that they had gone through with that smile which raised us up in the way that men wanted us to be.
They never had the power on their hands to change our destiny. It has always been that man’s and the society’s choice. They had no choice or power to change and make our life better.
Men always feel so confident by having that power of control on their side and do what they think is good for them selves. They always do what is related to their happiness no matter how the other side feels about it. They act so arrogantly with their sisters, wives and mothers and daughters without any sense of humanity.
We are treated like animals or sheep that they can lead however they want. Take us the way they want, sort us out they way it pleases them. Make us dressed up in a way that we can never be looked at, make us look so miserable and sad. Seeing us depressed is their own pleasure because they think we are not born to be happy. And marry the person that they think he is right for us.
Marriage is under circumstances; it has to be agreed by the whole community and society. And last, it depends of the generosity of men; she is either told that she has to marry the guy or never bothered asking her opinion about it at all, as they consider themselves responsible about her entire life and her destiny. In order to make it right and clear in front of God and the society, they are the only ones who have the right to decided about our marriage life. How can that be acceptable or applicable in today’s generation?
It might be true that God have made us out of clay, but that doesn’t mean that they can make a woman like the way a baker bakes a cake.
If life is about taking someone’s rights on earth, then there is no point of brining a baby in this life. It causes more harm and more pain to them. It is exactly like burying them alive by making them miserable.
Life is more than taking human’s right. It is about mentality growth and humanisation…..
Friday, 23 January 2009
childhood
Being a child is the best stage of life when we are not responsible, not accountable and not expected to have any commitments toward any attitudes or actions. We are just sweet, and loved always. Laughing, playing, and having lots of time to spend with all the family and been listened to with great attention where everyone wants to know what is in our thoughts.
My Childhood started just like that. I was a very spoiled child who had everything I wanted. Until the age of seven, things changed dramatically. That is the age when my life changed and I started to feel differently. My father was taking it more seriously with me and my brothers considering that we have grown up and we are accountable for our own actions. Seeing the way he was punishing my brothers, made it more serious than it was in my mind. That built a great fear inside me. That might have been a kind of message he was trying to clarify to me before I commit any thing wrong.
Since that day, I always lived in fear. Fear of being punished, fear of making mistakes, and fear of thinking differently. I sometimes had a feeling that my father could read my mind and he knew exactly what I am thinking about. And that used to scare me a lot.
We were always expected to do what we were told to do. We were so accountable for our attitudes toward everything; the way we walk, the way we talk in front of people, the way we eat and even the way we shake hand with people who are older than us. Everything was specified to us and all we had to do is what we were told to. There was no forgiveness or second chance for any simple mistake even if it was from a child like me.
I then started being careful with my attitudes. I promised myself to always be a good child, so my father, will never punish me. I always promised myself that I am going to have a great attitude and will grow up as a well behaved girl and will be a great lady with good manners and attitudes.
Every morning I woke up asking myself, what should I do to see my father always happy? And every night I used to go to bed in fear of committing any mistake which I will be punished the next day. Sometimes I keep suspecting that I did something wrong and the guilt stays inside my heart for days and days without even doing anything.
I was always a well behaved child with good manners and do whatever I was told to do without asking why and where and never said a in my life.
I was excellent in school and the whole society was proud of me. That made me even more happy and satisfied.
At age of nine, I started learning how to cook and I was so much into learning it believing that all the girls should learn how to cook because they are supposed to cook for the family. And that is the only way a girl accepted in a society. I also used to believe that it is my job as a woman to take care of the family and obey men’s command even my brothers and totally respected that.
By age of ten, I was an excellent cook and that made me even more proud of myself in the society.
However, my family was very supportive during my school. My father used to always push me into studying and make sure I join the university. But, he was more ordering me into studies and what he wanted me to be more than sitting beside me or be with me and ask me what I do want in my life. We were well brain-washed of how life should go and what we should do to make it run in the right way. The way they wanted it to be and the way they wanted to present us as their kids, proudly in front of the society. I always had a thought that something was missing in my life. Something is not going right somewhere in the way we are living.
The years passed and by age of fourteen I was an excellent girl in the family and an excellent future wife, being so nice, so respectful and with great attitudes toward everyone.
The most important is being an excellent chef. I never had any more interest in playing with others, or entertain myself, because I started looking at myself as a grown up girl and looking at things more seriously and carefully. I want so much into my studies.
Most importantly, after school my routine was cleaning the house and making dinner for the family without being asked. I am not sure until this day why I was doing this. It might be a way of escape from punishment or being told of for not trying to do it or it way a way to show off to the family that I can be a good house wife. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters after school. Surprisingly, I used to love doing it as I considered it as part of my responsibilities in the house, without being asked to do so.
I believed that, that was the perfect way of living as a girl in our society and that was the way we were supposed to grow up.
Something strongly was telling me that this can not be the only way to be happy. I used to ask myself if I was happy and I end up convincing myself that seeing my family happy is my happiness. But then, I started blaming myself for thinking differently as I belong to this society and I should follow what my family believed in. I made myself unconsciously believing that I was deeply happy when I was burying myself a life by closing down my brain and make it limited to the way it is supposed to be in order to fit in the society.
Realising that I was expected to grow up as a girl more than a child and taking care of my siblings, made me more confident in being a responsible girl.
By age of sixteen, I strongly believed that I was ready to get married in few years and be a great wife and a mother who takes care of her husband and children. I can’t believe I had that way of thinking in my mind. I was completely convinced about it.
Thinking of the way I grew up I realised that my family always planned for me to be a good wife. They never planned for anything else for me, as that is the way they lived and they believe in it as happiness.
They lived to have children who can live the same way as they did, not more and not less. They never thought that there is another life out there somewhere else on the other side of the planet. They just thought of multiplying and proliferate of a generation which is the exact copy of them and expand it. Innocently steel their happiness the same way as it was takes from them. Brain wash them exactly like how their brains were washed by giving them written rules to follow, or they will be abandoned and disowned. And be threatened their whole entire life with punishment with no choices.
Unfortunately, that successfully happened with most of the family members and society.
I never thought that I was an innocent child and disserve to have my rights of choosing what I want to d or have the right to enjoy my childhood happily by playing, reading, learning and widening my thoughts. That was out of my world.
We never grew up in a way that we develop our brain, develop our way of thinking or improve our brains intellectually.
We had rules to follow, attitudes that are expected in our culture and religion. We are controlled by threatening and building fear in our brain and heart. Fear of punishment which still has control on me sometimes.
It is a shame that I never go the opportunity of choosing things that would be good for my future, not even the choice of thinking for my self or even the question of what I wanted in life. I would have saved my life allot earlier.
All this brings important things in my brain which was not functioning till recently. That we have rights to fight for from the day we were born to the day we die. But, we can never have them unless we fight for them. Some people might know about it. But, I never knew and I am still learning.
My Childhood started just like that. I was a very spoiled child who had everything I wanted. Until the age of seven, things changed dramatically. That is the age when my life changed and I started to feel differently. My father was taking it more seriously with me and my brothers considering that we have grown up and we are accountable for our own actions. Seeing the way he was punishing my brothers, made it more serious than it was in my mind. That built a great fear inside me. That might have been a kind of message he was trying to clarify to me before I commit any thing wrong.
Since that day, I always lived in fear. Fear of being punished, fear of making mistakes, and fear of thinking differently. I sometimes had a feeling that my father could read my mind and he knew exactly what I am thinking about. And that used to scare me a lot.
We were always expected to do what we were told to do. We were so accountable for our attitudes toward everything; the way we walk, the way we talk in front of people, the way we eat and even the way we shake hand with people who are older than us. Everything was specified to us and all we had to do is what we were told to. There was no forgiveness or second chance for any simple mistake even if it was from a child like me.
I then started being careful with my attitudes. I promised myself to always be a good child, so my father, will never punish me. I always promised myself that I am going to have a great attitude and will grow up as a well behaved girl and will be a great lady with good manners and attitudes.
Every morning I woke up asking myself, what should I do to see my father always happy? And every night I used to go to bed in fear of committing any mistake which I will be punished the next day. Sometimes I keep suspecting that I did something wrong and the guilt stays inside my heart for days and days without even doing anything.
I was always a well behaved child with good manners and do whatever I was told to do without asking why and where and never said a in my life.
I was excellent in school and the whole society was proud of me. That made me even more happy and satisfied.
At age of nine, I started learning how to cook and I was so much into learning it believing that all the girls should learn how to cook because they are supposed to cook for the family. And that is the only way a girl accepted in a society. I also used to believe that it is my job as a woman to take care of the family and obey men’s command even my brothers and totally respected that.
By age of ten, I was an excellent cook and that made me even more proud of myself in the society.
However, my family was very supportive during my school. My father used to always push me into studying and make sure I join the university. But, he was more ordering me into studies and what he wanted me to be more than sitting beside me or be with me and ask me what I do want in my life. We were well brain-washed of how life should go and what we should do to make it run in the right way. The way they wanted it to be and the way they wanted to present us as their kids, proudly in front of the society. I always had a thought that something was missing in my life. Something is not going right somewhere in the way we are living.
The years passed and by age of fourteen I was an excellent girl in the family and an excellent future wife, being so nice, so respectful and with great attitudes toward everyone.
The most important is being an excellent chef. I never had any more interest in playing with others, or entertain myself, because I started looking at myself as a grown up girl and looking at things more seriously and carefully. I want so much into my studies.
Most importantly, after school my routine was cleaning the house and making dinner for the family without being asked. I am not sure until this day why I was doing this. It might be a way of escape from punishment or being told of for not trying to do it or it way a way to show off to the family that I can be a good house wife. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters after school. Surprisingly, I used to love doing it as I considered it as part of my responsibilities in the house, without being asked to do so.
I believed that, that was the perfect way of living as a girl in our society and that was the way we were supposed to grow up.
Something strongly was telling me that this can not be the only way to be happy. I used to ask myself if I was happy and I end up convincing myself that seeing my family happy is my happiness. But then, I started blaming myself for thinking differently as I belong to this society and I should follow what my family believed in. I made myself unconsciously believing that I was deeply happy when I was burying myself a life by closing down my brain and make it limited to the way it is supposed to be in order to fit in the society.
Realising that I was expected to grow up as a girl more than a child and taking care of my siblings, made me more confident in being a responsible girl.
By age of sixteen, I strongly believed that I was ready to get married in few years and be a great wife and a mother who takes care of her husband and children. I can’t believe I had that way of thinking in my mind. I was completely convinced about it.
Thinking of the way I grew up I realised that my family always planned for me to be a good wife. They never planned for anything else for me, as that is the way they lived and they believe in it as happiness.
They lived to have children who can live the same way as they did, not more and not less. They never thought that there is another life out there somewhere else on the other side of the planet. They just thought of multiplying and proliferate of a generation which is the exact copy of them and expand it. Innocently steel their happiness the same way as it was takes from them. Brain wash them exactly like how their brains were washed by giving them written rules to follow, or they will be abandoned and disowned. And be threatened their whole entire life with punishment with no choices.
Unfortunately, that successfully happened with most of the family members and society.
I never thought that I was an innocent child and disserve to have my rights of choosing what I want to d or have the right to enjoy my childhood happily by playing, reading, learning and widening my thoughts. That was out of my world.
We never grew up in a way that we develop our brain, develop our way of thinking or improve our brains intellectually.
We had rules to follow, attitudes that are expected in our culture and religion. We are controlled by threatening and building fear in our brain and heart. Fear of punishment which still has control on me sometimes.
It is a shame that I never go the opportunity of choosing things that would be good for my future, not even the choice of thinking for my self or even the question of what I wanted in life. I would have saved my life allot earlier.
All this brings important things in my brain which was not functioning till recently. That we have rights to fight for from the day we were born to the day we die. But, we can never have them unless we fight for them. Some people might know about it. But, I never knew and I am still learning.
Thursday, 22 January 2009
After a very long thought between me, my brain and my heart, i finally could not resist hiding any more of what i am supposed to write in this page. Not sure if it was lack of confidence, self restrain, cautious or just afraid to see my own reality written in public.
i woke up this morning so frustrated for not being able to start writing and kept asking myself why i can't write? why am i not supposed to say the truth? is it that hard for a person to say about the real him? But, then i realised that, i have grown up in a society where i am not allowed to say what is not supposed to be heard. Since childhood, i used to always say yes to everything even if it was a big NO. The word which consists of two alphabets is never accepted in our society, especially saying it to an older person even if he or she was one month older. I am sure it's not only me who have grown up is such a society but i can not accept it any more and it hurts me whenever i remember there are thousands of people have the same feeling like me, but no one says it. We always show that we are happy when we are deeply depressed and hurt. We always have to smile when we are told that we have to smile. The only time we could cry, is at bed time when we are alone and no one see us, when we cry with ourselves leaning, complaining and moaning to the wall and no one else hears us.
Is that why we are born on this earth?
So many thoughts came to my mind for the past year and now reading lots of books opened my thoughts. I have answers for most of the questions which i was afraid to ask because i was not supposed to. We are not supposed to ask extraordinary questions. We always had writen answers for everything without discussing why and how.
Since i was a child, i used to ask myself many questions and try to find answers, but i ended up being so scarred when it comes to bed time remembering that someone is going to punish me for even the thought of doubting about any simple thing. I used to sleep in fear and wake up in more fear asking what punishment will i get today. Never thought of what reward am i going to get or what appraisal do i deserve on this day.
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