Although, we have grown up and feel responsible and sensible about what we do in life, we are never sure about our future life decisions. Perhaps, we are prohibited to decide about our own lives independently, because we are never independents.
Even if we are told that we have our freedom of going to school and university, there are more important things in life which are forbidden from us.
Unconsciously, it turns up that we are obliged to think about what others will think about our decisions. We always have to think of the consequences of the thoughts that we have taken, as have always believed that they have the right to decide for us. We are always uncertain and doubtful regarding our own decisions. We have this big special place in our life where we think that it always belongs to a man. This special place somehow can never be controlled by us. The remote control is on the man’s hand, which he can play with it the way that suites him and we happily agree with it like clowns. It is never the thought that we could fill that special place with something more beneficial for our lives than making it for them. Or think of clearing that space and make it perfectly beneficial for our brains to grow and make it bigger than what it is, rather than, making others brain-wash us.
We always believed that we can not make a step before we ask a man about it, because they are always better thinkers, particularly the older men.

We always respected others especially the older, but there is never a treat or reward for doing so. They always enjoy practicing all sorts of punishments, assaults, violence, physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse on us.

They have always expected us to do things for them under pressure and threats. It is all because they are strongly selfish and arrogant about whom they are. More importantly, that is because we allowed them to be stronger than us by being naive and peaceful creatures, and allowing them to act with us stubbornly.
They always think that women can never think wisely as they do. That is because, decisions women take is going to make their reputation lower in front of the society and that is a big shame in front of the whole world.
They believe that they are the only ones who can make things right without making any black spots in their life when they face God. They never care how they treat the people living all their life around them, as long as they think it is the right way for them selves.
How can that be acceptable in front of God if they are not fair with their own wives, sisters and kids? It is really hard to trust a person if he says something as an order or an advice if it doesn’t apply to him self first. That is not acceptable at all to me. It is really hard for me to trust that person or believe in him. Thinking that they own us is a humiliation and degrading to who I am. We have always been civilised at home, but what did we get out of that?
We are treated like animals or sheep that they can lead however they want. Talking for our own rights makes them treat us like silent walls with no ears listening to us, and with total ignorance, which makes us feel nothing on earth. Makes us feel so low and deserve nothing to live for.
They take us the way they want, sort us out they way it pleases them. Make us dressed up in a way that we can never be looked at, making us look so miserable and sad. Seeing us depressed is their own pleasure because they think we are not born to be happy.

Power of religion and power of ownership has always been on top of everything. They made the rules and we are obliged to follow with no choice. It has always been on man’s hand and there is always a force which pushes us to obey commands with no questions. Never our choice because we never knew that there is something named as a choice in life. We have always been ruled by a force which we have been listened to since we were kids, and follow what our mothers did as it is always considered to be the right and the only was we can live.
Seeing our mothers follow that way of life made us so convinced and believe about it being right.
We never seen suffer in their faces as they always smiled and hidden their sadness in their heart. We never seen the bitterness of pain that they had gone through with that smile which raised us up in the way that men wanted us to be.
They never had the power on their hands to change our destiny. It has always been that man’s and the society’s choice. They had no choice or power to change and make our life better.

Men always feel so confident by having that power of control on their side and do what they think is good for them selves. They always do what is related to their happiness no matter how the other side feels about it. They act so arrogantly with their sisters, wives and mothers and daughters without any sense of humanity.
We are treated like animals or sheep that they can lead however they want. Take us the way they want, sort us out they way it pleases them. Make us dressed up in a way that we can never be looked at, make us look so miserable and sad. Seeing us depressed is their own pleasure because they think we are not born to be happy. And marry the person that they think he is right for us.
Marriage is under circumstances; it has to be agreed by the whole community and society. And last, it depends of the generosity of men; she is either told that she has to marry the guy or never bothered asking her opinion about it at all, as they consider themselves responsible about her entire life and her destiny. In order to make it right and clear in front of God and the society, they are the only ones who have the right to decided about our marriage life. How can that be acceptable or applicable in today’s generation?

It might be true that God have made us out of clay, but that doesn’t mean that they can make a woman like the way a baker bakes a cake.

If life is about taking someone’s rights on earth, then there is no point of brining a baby in this life. It causes more harm and more pain to them. It is exactly like burying them alive by making them miserable.
Life is more than taking human’s right. It is about mentality growth and humanisation…..

childhood

Being a child is the best stage of life when we are not responsible, not accountable and not expected to have any commitments toward any attitudes or actions. We are just sweet, and loved always. Laughing, playing, and having lots of time to spend with all the family and been listened to with great attention where everyone wants to know what is in our thoughts.

My Childhood started just like that. I was a very spoiled child who had everything I wanted. Until the age of seven, things changed dramatically. That is the age when my life changed and I started to feel differently. My father was taking it more seriously with me and my brothers considering that we have grown up and we are accountable for our own actions. Seeing the way he was punishing my brothers, made it more serious than it was in my mind. That built a great fear inside me. That might have been a kind of message he was trying to clarify to me before I commit any thing wrong.
Since that day, I always lived in fear. Fear of being punished, fear of making mistakes, and fear of thinking differently. I sometimes had a feeling that my father could read my mind and he knew exactly what I am thinking about. And that used to scare me a lot.

We were always expected to do what we were told to do. We were so accountable for our attitudes toward everything; the way we walk, the way we talk in front of people, the way we eat and even the way we shake hand with people who are older than us. Everything was specified to us and all we had to do is what we were told to. There was no forgiveness or second chance for any simple mistake even if it was from a child like me.

I then started being careful with my attitudes. I promised myself to always be a good child, so my father, will never punish me. I always promised myself that I am going to have a great attitude and will grow up as a well behaved girl and will be a great lady with good manners and attitudes.
Every morning I woke up asking myself, what should I do to see my father always happy? And every night I used to go to bed in fear of committing any mistake which I will be punished the next day. Sometimes I keep suspecting that I did something wrong and the guilt stays inside my heart for days and days without even doing anything.

I was always a well behaved child with good manners and do whatever I was told to do without asking why and where and never said a in my life.
I was excellent in school and the whole society was proud of me. That made me even more happy and satisfied.
At age of nine, I started learning how to cook and I was so much into learning it believing that all the girls should learn how to cook because they are supposed to cook for the family. And that is the only way a girl accepted in a society. I also used to believe that it is my job as a woman to take care of the family and obey men’s command even my brothers and totally respected that.
By age of ten, I was an excellent cook and that made me even more proud of myself in the society.
However, my family was very supportive during my school. My father used to always push me into studying and make sure I join the university. But, he was more ordering me into studies and what he wanted me to be more than sitting beside me or be with me and ask me what I do want in my life. We were well brain-washed of how life should go and what we should do to make it run in the right way. The way they wanted it to be and the way they wanted to present us as their kids, proudly in front of the society. I always had a thought that something was missing in my life. Something is not going right somewhere in the way we are living.

The years passed and by age of fourteen I was an excellent girl in the family and an excellent future wife, being so nice, so respectful and with great attitudes toward everyone.
The most important is being an excellent chef. I never had any more interest in playing with others, or entertain myself, because I started looking at myself as a grown up girl and looking at things more seriously and carefully. I want so much into my studies.
Most importantly, after school my routine was cleaning the house and making dinner for the family without being asked. I am not sure until this day why I was doing this. It might be a way of escape from punishment or being told of for not trying to do it or it way a way to show off to the family that I can be a good house wife. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters after school. Surprisingly, I used to love doing it as I considered it as part of my responsibilities in the house, without being asked to do so.

I believed that, that was the perfect way of living as a girl in our society and that was the way we were supposed to grow up.

Something strongly was telling me that this can not be the only way to be happy. I used to ask myself if I was happy and I end up convincing myself that seeing my family happy is my happiness. But then, I started blaming myself for thinking differently as I belong to this society and I should follow what my family believed in. I made myself unconsciously believing that I was deeply happy when I was burying myself a life by closing down my brain and make it limited to the way it is supposed to be in order to fit in the society.

Realising that I was expected to grow up as a girl more than a child and taking care of my siblings, made me more confident in being a responsible girl.

By age of sixteen, I strongly believed that I was ready to get married in few years and be a great wife and a mother who takes care of her husband and children. I can’t believe I had that way of thinking in my mind. I was completely convinced about it.
Thinking of the way I grew up I realised that my family always planned for me to be a good wife. They never planned for anything else for me, as that is the way they lived and they believe in it as happiness.
They lived to have children who can live the same way as they did, not more and not less. They never thought that there is another life out there somewhere else on the other side of the planet. They just thought of multiplying and proliferate of a generation which is the exact copy of them and expand it. Innocently steel their happiness the same way as it was takes from them. Brain wash them exactly like how their brains were washed by giving them written rules to follow, or they will be abandoned and disowned. And be threatened their whole entire life with punishment with no choices.

Unfortunately, that successfully happened with most of the family members and society.

I never thought that I was an innocent child and disserve to have my rights of choosing what I want to d or have the right to enjoy my childhood happily by playing, reading, learning and widening my thoughts. That was out of my world.
We never grew up in a way that we develop our brain, develop our way of thinking or improve our brains intellectually.
We had rules to follow, attitudes that are expected in our culture and religion. We are controlled by threatening and building fear in our brain and heart. Fear of punishment which still has control on me sometimes.
It is a shame that I never go the opportunity of choosing things that would be good for my future, not even the choice of thinking for my self or even the question of what I wanted in life. I would have saved my life allot earlier.

All this brings important things in my brain which was not functioning till recently. That we have rights to fight for from the day we were born to the day we die. But, we can never have them unless we fight for them. Some people might know about it. But, I never knew and I am still learning.

After a very long thought between me, my brain and my heart, i finally could not resist hiding any more of what i am supposed to write in this page. Not sure if it was lack of confidence, self restrain, cautious or just afraid to see my own reality written in public.

i woke up this morning so frustrated for not being able to start writing and kept asking myself why i can't write? why am i not supposed to say the truth? is it that hard for a person to say about the real him? But, then i realised that, i have grown up in a society where i am not allowed to say what is not supposed to be heard. Since childhood, i used to always say yes to everything even if it was a big NO. The word which consists of two alphabets is never accepted in our society, especially saying it to an older person even if he or she was one month older. I am sure it's not only me who have grown up is such a society but i can not accept it any more and it hurts me whenever i remember there are thousands of people have the same feeling like me, but no one says it. We always show that we are happy when we are deeply depressed and hurt. We always have to smile when we are told that we have to smile. The only time we could cry, is at bed time when we are alone and no one see us, when we cry with ourselves leaning, complaining and moaning to the wall and no one else hears us.

Is that why we are born on this earth?

So many thoughts came to my mind for the past year and now reading lots of books opened my thoughts. I have answers for most of the questions which i was afraid to ask because i was not supposed to. We are not supposed to ask extraordinary questions. We always had writen answers for everything without discussing why and how.

Since i was a child, i used to ask myself many questions and try to find answers, but i ended up being so scarred when it comes to bed time remembering that someone is going to punish me for even the thought of doubting about any simple thing. I used to sleep in fear and wake up in more fear asking what punishment will i get today. Never thought of what reward am i going to get or what appraisal do i deserve on this day.