Is it right to fight?

Here i am on my new day after a sleepless night. Wondering and thinking again. Feeling content and emotional. Do not know what is exactly wrong with me. All the thoughts came together at ones and it is so hard for me to take. It is this bitter and painful indescribable feeling. It is the feeling of missing and loneliness. It is the feeling of pride and ignorance at the same time.

Last night all what came to my mind is how much i have fought for my life. I fought for going to school, and i remember that very well. When i was six years old and the school administration refused to enroll me because i was under age and i was supposed to be 7 in order to get into school. I still remember that day because it is one of the days which i learned how to get what i want. When they said that i can't get into the school, i went so frustrated and sat on the stairs at the entrance of the school and cried and said to my mum and the teachers that i am not moving unless they accept me in the school because i want to learn how to read and write, and i will not go home and i have the right to be in school. I remember one of the teachers laughed and spoke to the administration to let me join. So, i started school on the same day and i felt so proud that they accepted me with age of six.
I remember when my father wouldn't let me join any society in school and with my insistence he had to accept me being in one of them.

When i finished school he insisted that i should be a teacher and i went in tears saying that i will never be a teacher and here i am after fighting i am not what he wanted me to be, but he is so proud of what i am now. After my qualification i decided to go away from home and work for six months and they didn't have the choice to say no because i already decided and signed my contract.

What i remember most, is the fights that i had with my dad all those years for not allowing me to be in a relationship. I fought with all what i had. I fought with my strong words, my strong believes, my convincing way of communicating and my tears. I know i got no where after fighting for more than 6 years with him. But at the same time he knows very well that i was right and he was wrong and acting stubborn for no reason, but he never admitted it. I fought for every single thing came through my life, even for my brothers and sisters. I never accepted things that never made sense to me. That is the time when i realised that, we can get nothing without fighting. We can be buried alive if we just keep quiet and watch people killing our feelings and goals.

Why do they think that they can control our emotions? I thought the soul and emotions belong to the person himself. I don't understand why they think that they have the right to control everything we have; including our happiness and sadness. Even when we cry they force us to stop crying and when we laugh they tell us off and ask us not to laugh loud.
These emotions that come only once in a while and uncontrollable. How can they have the right to have the control over it? We have the right to laugh whenever we feel like laughing and we have the right to cry whenever we feel like crying. these feelings come at their timings and can never be changed or controlled or postponed with a remote control as they think.

Learning to fight inside myself gave me the courage of fighting whenever i think something is not right and is going very wrong. Since they i started having lots of conflicts with my family, i started feeling tired of all the fights. Sometimes i used to go back to whom i am, whenever i have the fear of losing my family or they may disown me. But most of the time i ended up being depressed and sad because that is not what i want.

The years passed and remained quiet but depressed. Fighting is not right and keeping quiet was killing me. I never had support from anyone with what was inside me. I lost my fathers trust and i lost my love which lasted for many years. I lost trust in myself too and i thought that the fault was mine to be stubborn when i know that i will end up in the same circle. I will live with a man who can take control over me because that is the way life is going in my society either i wanted or not.

Years and year were passing and i was the same. But sometimes i used to fight but i let them win because i get so emotional and tired. I cried and i got hysteric many times but no one to listen to me. I was different, so no one would come to my side because they never wanted to go through trouble and be cursed like me.

I lived like an animal who was looking or waiting for the same destiny (slotted). I waited for signs to lead me to the right way. I prayed so strongly and prayed and prayed day and night. I had a believe inside me that i will never end up like this. I was still fighting with even a small things that i cant accept in my life. I was fighting for silly thing but they were very serious to me and right. I even ended up not talking to my family for months, but i always trusted my feelings and i was confident that i was right.

I waited for so long and had the thought of leaving, but the fear controlled me. I am a girl who is used to be looked after and watched. I am not used to do things without telling anyone about them. I was scarred that i will be wrong and i will go back being bullied and punished severely. I am used to act like a pet who is waiting for someone to feed me and provide a place for me to live safely.

But i still fought. I fought for my freedom of choice when my dad said no the the man whom i wanted to marry and live all my life with. I fought and strongly refused the way he treated me when he replied to them without giving me the right of asking me if i want to marry him or not. I totally refused the way he treated me like a wall who doesn't have ears to be listened to. I fought when he said things that i never done. I fought with the way he was treating me arrogantly and proudly. I fought when he ignored my feelings and my wish in this life. I fought when he felt so confident that i am his statue in his house he can keep me as his belonging and sell me whenever he wanted. I fought when i saw him doing wrong things toward my mum and my family. My fights with him were serious and strong, but i never regretted what i did because i was right.

My biggest fight with him was last year and that is the time when i decided that i do not belong to that planet. That is the time when i was totally shocked with who he is by being a strong arrogant father. When he came to me and forced me to marry someone whom i never knew or never met. He abused me physically and emotionally with no mercy or regret. That was the biggest disappointment i ever had in my life. I fought more than i ever fought before. I went through allot of bitter moments but the outcome is the best thing i have done in my life.

That moment i believed in all what i was thinking in my entire life. That is the time when i got more convinced about my thoughts and my own believes. That is the moment when i learned that everyone lives his life for him own benefit. I felt happy for that moment to come because it cleared things and lightened my way. It showed me my path and it told me that this is the sign which you have been waiting for. It was about time and the time has come. It opened my brain which was washed and it cleared all the rubbish that it had inside. My heart said to me; Go for what you have been fighting for since you were a child. Look for your happiness and remember to come back and save other helpless girls in this world.

That was the moments when i appreciated all the fights that i have been through with lots of tears, but with a grateful heart. Fighting all these years made me a strong, confident and honest person to myself. It is bitter and it is so painful, but for sure it is what i want.

guilt??

Since last week, a strange feeling came to my heart. I tried every day to make it less or easier but couldn’t. It is very strange strong feeling of a mixed emotions between; sadness, happiness, regret, fear, prejudice and guilt. Each of these feeling try to control my heart but I never allowed them and that makes it even harder for me. But I think guilt is in me more than all the others.
I guess that is because guilty is the only feeling that I have always had when I see or say the truth and no one accepts it. Guilt is the feeling that has always been inside us since we were born. Perhaps, we always had to watch our attitudes and actions towards ourselves. And the habit of going back to our actions every night before we go to bed makes us feel accountable and guilty for even silly mistakes. And pray and ask for forgiveness before bed.
I keep asking my self, am I wrong by saying the truth? Will I be in trouble for saying it? Am I putting my self in more hassle than what I am in? Am I going to be punished or blamed? But then my own conscious wakes me up and says; that is what you should do. Wake up from your lies and your past. Live the moment and feel happy for doing what you finally want to do. The past has gone and your future is calling you.
Why do I have these feelings at this time of my life? Why did I not step forward when I was younger? What have I been doing all those past year?
But still this feeling is killing me and tightens my heart. I am not sure if it is the feeling of guilt that I betrayed my society and my family which I originally came from.
It is the hardest feeling I ever had in my life. The feeling of being against whom I originally was. The feeling that all what I was before is wrong. The feeling of remembering big mistakes which were never acceptable to me, but I never argued about.
All this makes me wonder. Where exactly am I standing and where will I end up. These thoughts take me very far away. They make me ask and search inside me. Try to find where exactly I can fit in this universe. Sometimes I sleep content and happy because I am convinced with what I am doing and feel proud of what I am now. And sometimes I sleep being confused and lost wondering if I am doing the right thing by being against the people who took care of me and made me grow up the way I am.
I never had the courage to push my self to the real things till now and it hurts me so much. I am doing things that I thought I will never do and it is impossible to be acceptable in my life.
I sacrificed with all what I had in my previous life and all that for the truth and my happiness.
Yes, now I started feeling happy with who I am and what I have achieved so far in my new life. But, when I look back it hurts me to remember what I have left behind. I left everything; I left the people that I love. I left my family. I left my friends and my colleagues and everything reminds me with my childhood. What do I have now? Yes I am happy for what I am doing now. I am more grateful and proud that I managed to get out of that box. But at the same time, I feel scared and worried. I am worried that I will never get to what I have always dreamed of. I am scared that I will go back. Going back to what I was is the main fear of my entire life. I know on the other hand my society is not happy at all and that makes it hard for me. But what else can I do? Go back? NO WAY.
I have learned that making a change is on the person’s own hand and no one else. So, I promise my self that I will always try to remain strong no matter what happens to me and how my society is going to react with all this. But as I promised again I am not going back.

Real or fake!

I came to this new world of mine, searching for myself. This new world made me learn a lot of things in very short time. During these few months of my new life, refreshed my mind, arranged my thoughts accordingly, my memories, my spirit and brought my self to the real me. Thinking about the past hurts me a lot, but makes me learn from all what I have seen and have been through. It made me analyse exactly what I have gone through without seeing, how blind I was and how I lived my past 29 years.
I found that I was living a totally fake life towards my self. I lived for others but never for my self. That life belonged to people who loved living in a box or a circle which is controlled by one person. That dark box makes them bang back to where they belong whenever they think of something new or different. They go back without their choice. They go back because they are scared of being punished. That one person rules the whole society and the rest has to obey the rules because they are committed to do so.
I wanted to fit in the society accordingly; so I had to follow the rules as well. I never wanted to be disowned or abandoned by my family or the people that I always loved. At the same time I didn’t want to do everything they wanted me to do, but I had to do so. I always did what I am told to see them happy and be safe amongst them.

I never saw the other part of life. I was totally blind and brain washed. I couldn’t see out of the dark box because the walls were so high and we were not allowed to look behind the wall. I always had a feeling that, what is inside the box is not enough for me to know, but I was so scared to ask. Whenever we ask, we got told that we should not ask what is above our capability. My feelings kept telling me that, what is inside the box is not everything in life. There must be some other important things to know out there I have to know about. A thing that may lead me to happiness and this is not my happiness. But again, fear had the full control of my brain and my heart.

Most of the times I got confused by seeing forbidden things happen when we are not allowed to do them. Things that others do when I am not supposed to do and keep asking myself, how can they do it if I can’t? How can they be authorised and we are not? It never came to my mind to argue about it because they made us believe that; they can do it because they are men and we can’t do it because we as women are not supposed to do.
I can’t believe it today that, this excuse used to convince me without a question. I was naïve and never wanted to go through arguments and trouble. I loved the way I was just nice, sweet and have a peaceful time by seeing them happy. I guess that way was the easiest way to live happily.

I never thought that I wasn’t fair with my self. I used to suppress my feelings and butter it with fake reasons and sleep.
Unconsciously, I was cheating my self without knowing. I was cheating my self, my brain, my heart, my feelings cheating my family and cheating the whole society. I even cheated God who forbids cheating and lies. I never wanted to be what they wanted me to be. I was acting for the past 28 years. I did it for them not for my self.

Sometimes we tell ourselves it is just a small lie to take us out of trouble. Sometimes living in society which pushes you to obey their commands persuades you to lie. When you have to do things you are not convinced to do, you try to find a solution to escape from that attitude and you end up happily lying to the whole community. Just not to do what they ask you to do.
Starting that small lie in my life and finding it the only way of escape, made it a habit in me. I always thought that I am not really lying I am doing what is right to me. I have always showed them that I am the prefect girl, but sometimes when I needed my freedom I had to lie. Like going to a party or going and hang out with friends. It was always hard for me to say the truth because they would never allow me to go.

I can’t believe it today, that I had to lie to my family just to go out and see my friends. I can’t believe how much we were suppressed and forbidden from our freedom.

I dress up the way they want, but I go out and meet male friends when I am not supposed to. I dance with men when I am not allowed to touch them or shake hands with hem. I know that I am not allowed in religion and in the society, but I want to do so and that is the way I want to live. I have been cheating my self with all that. I have been confused and lost and could never find my self.
I never knew what exactly I wanted in life. Never knew what is real and what is fake from seeing how much people are act in front of each others. They can never be real because they are not supposed to be real.
That made me so scared and so insecure, even with myself and until today. I keep asking myself, what exactly do I want in life? And where do I exactly want to be. Sometimes I can’t even trust my self, because I am between my past and my present life. My thoughts are fighting, my past and present life are debating. My heart and my brain are in conflict. And my life is fighting for its’ happiness. But I will curry on searching until I find my way in the right time, but will never go back.