guilt??

Since last week, a strange feeling came to my heart. I tried every day to make it less or easier but couldn’t. It is very strange strong feeling of a mixed emotions between; sadness, happiness, regret, fear, prejudice and guilt. Each of these feeling try to control my heart but I never allowed them and that makes it even harder for me. But I think guilt is in me more than all the others.
I guess that is because guilty is the only feeling that I have always had when I see or say the truth and no one accepts it. Guilt is the feeling that has always been inside us since we were born. Perhaps, we always had to watch our attitudes and actions towards ourselves. And the habit of going back to our actions every night before we go to bed makes us feel accountable and guilty for even silly mistakes. And pray and ask for forgiveness before bed.
I keep asking my self, am I wrong by saying the truth? Will I be in trouble for saying it? Am I putting my self in more hassle than what I am in? Am I going to be punished or blamed? But then my own conscious wakes me up and says; that is what you should do. Wake up from your lies and your past. Live the moment and feel happy for doing what you finally want to do. The past has gone and your future is calling you.
Why do I have these feelings at this time of my life? Why did I not step forward when I was younger? What have I been doing all those past year?
But still this feeling is killing me and tightens my heart. I am not sure if it is the feeling of guilt that I betrayed my society and my family which I originally came from.
It is the hardest feeling I ever had in my life. The feeling of being against whom I originally was. The feeling that all what I was before is wrong. The feeling of remembering big mistakes which were never acceptable to me, but I never argued about.
All this makes me wonder. Where exactly am I standing and where will I end up. These thoughts take me very far away. They make me ask and search inside me. Try to find where exactly I can fit in this universe. Sometimes I sleep content and happy because I am convinced with what I am doing and feel proud of what I am now. And sometimes I sleep being confused and lost wondering if I am doing the right thing by being against the people who took care of me and made me grow up the way I am.
I never had the courage to push my self to the real things till now and it hurts me so much. I am doing things that I thought I will never do and it is impossible to be acceptable in my life.
I sacrificed with all what I had in my previous life and all that for the truth and my happiness.
Yes, now I started feeling happy with who I am and what I have achieved so far in my new life. But, when I look back it hurts me to remember what I have left behind. I left everything; I left the people that I love. I left my family. I left my friends and my colleagues and everything reminds me with my childhood. What do I have now? Yes I am happy for what I am doing now. I am more grateful and proud that I managed to get out of that box. But at the same time, I feel scared and worried. I am worried that I will never get to what I have always dreamed of. I am scared that I will go back. Going back to what I was is the main fear of my entire life. I know on the other hand my society is not happy at all and that makes it hard for me. But what else can I do? Go back? NO WAY.
I have learned that making a change is on the person’s own hand and no one else. So, I promise my self that I will always try to remain strong no matter what happens to me and how my society is going to react with all this. But as I promised again I am not going back.