Real or fake!

I came to this new world of mine, searching for myself. This new world made me learn a lot of things in very short time. During these few months of my new life, refreshed my mind, arranged my thoughts accordingly, my memories, my spirit and brought my self to the real me. Thinking about the past hurts me a lot, but makes me learn from all what I have seen and have been through. It made me analyse exactly what I have gone through without seeing, how blind I was and how I lived my past 29 years.
I found that I was living a totally fake life towards my self. I lived for others but never for my self. That life belonged to people who loved living in a box or a circle which is controlled by one person. That dark box makes them bang back to where they belong whenever they think of something new or different. They go back without their choice. They go back because they are scared of being punished. That one person rules the whole society and the rest has to obey the rules because they are committed to do so.
I wanted to fit in the society accordingly; so I had to follow the rules as well. I never wanted to be disowned or abandoned by my family or the people that I always loved. At the same time I didn’t want to do everything they wanted me to do, but I had to do so. I always did what I am told to see them happy and be safe amongst them.

I never saw the other part of life. I was totally blind and brain washed. I couldn’t see out of the dark box because the walls were so high and we were not allowed to look behind the wall. I always had a feeling that, what is inside the box is not enough for me to know, but I was so scared to ask. Whenever we ask, we got told that we should not ask what is above our capability. My feelings kept telling me that, what is inside the box is not everything in life. There must be some other important things to know out there I have to know about. A thing that may lead me to happiness and this is not my happiness. But again, fear had the full control of my brain and my heart.

Most of the times I got confused by seeing forbidden things happen when we are not allowed to do them. Things that others do when I am not supposed to do and keep asking myself, how can they do it if I can’t? How can they be authorised and we are not? It never came to my mind to argue about it because they made us believe that; they can do it because they are men and we can’t do it because we as women are not supposed to do.
I can’t believe it today that, this excuse used to convince me without a question. I was naïve and never wanted to go through arguments and trouble. I loved the way I was just nice, sweet and have a peaceful time by seeing them happy. I guess that way was the easiest way to live happily.

I never thought that I wasn’t fair with my self. I used to suppress my feelings and butter it with fake reasons and sleep.
Unconsciously, I was cheating my self without knowing. I was cheating my self, my brain, my heart, my feelings cheating my family and cheating the whole society. I even cheated God who forbids cheating and lies. I never wanted to be what they wanted me to be. I was acting for the past 28 years. I did it for them not for my self.

Sometimes we tell ourselves it is just a small lie to take us out of trouble. Sometimes living in society which pushes you to obey their commands persuades you to lie. When you have to do things you are not convinced to do, you try to find a solution to escape from that attitude and you end up happily lying to the whole community. Just not to do what they ask you to do.
Starting that small lie in my life and finding it the only way of escape, made it a habit in me. I always thought that I am not really lying I am doing what is right to me. I have always showed them that I am the prefect girl, but sometimes when I needed my freedom I had to lie. Like going to a party or going and hang out with friends. It was always hard for me to say the truth because they would never allow me to go.

I can’t believe it today, that I had to lie to my family just to go out and see my friends. I can’t believe how much we were suppressed and forbidden from our freedom.

I dress up the way they want, but I go out and meet male friends when I am not supposed to. I dance with men when I am not allowed to touch them or shake hands with hem. I know that I am not allowed in religion and in the society, but I want to do so and that is the way I want to live. I have been cheating my self with all that. I have been confused and lost and could never find my self.
I never knew what exactly I wanted in life. Never knew what is real and what is fake from seeing how much people are act in front of each others. They can never be real because they are not supposed to be real.
That made me so scared and so insecure, even with myself and until today. I keep asking myself, what exactly do I want in life? And where do I exactly want to be. Sometimes I can’t even trust my self, because I am between my past and my present life. My thoughts are fighting, my past and present life are debating. My heart and my brain are in conflict. And my life is fighting for its’ happiness. But I will curry on searching until I find my way in the right time, but will never go back.