Different

Since I left my society, I have been thinking and thinking. The thoughts are over loaded in my brain. Feelings clash on each others. Emotions fight which to go first. I feel so exhausted since I started writing and my brain fights with me to keep writing. My strong feeling of saying what is inside me is becoming stronger and harsher to my emotions. On the contrary, my heart bleeds more and more whenever I write about what hurt it all these years and what made me be whom I am now. It is such a painful, stabbing feeling which comes out of honesty and reality.
I have always known that, truth might be painful but has to be said, but now I know very well what does that mean and how painful can that be.
It is not the said part which is painful; it is the feeling part which really hurts.
I found out that when a person feels the truth inside him and figures out the mistakes that should have never been done, is much more painful than someone tells us that we were right or wrong. It is even more painful when we realise; how much we have not been fair, hurt, and humiliated our selves by forbidding our souls from the freedom of thinking and freedom of expressing our feelings, and freedom of sharing emotions and freedom of saying the truth.
Figuring all this out made me feel more eager of hearing the truth about everything. I am always looking and searching for truth of everything including my existence in this world. Even if it is not for my own happiness, but at least it is the truth of existence.
Lots of people say that I am different. I feel different and I think differently. That is true, but how different can a person be from others? Why Am I different? And what is the point of being different if I can not find people who understand me? Why was I born in a society with different way of thinking? Why did God not make me the same as others? Why did he not bring me in a society which I fit in without suffering and struggling to find my self?
Sometimes I hate the fact of being different because it is very hard to accept it and work on it. I never wanted to be different and I always wanted to be like others and be happy like them. I want to have that simple convincing life and I have always dreamed of having that kind of life.
Realising how different I am makes it harder and hared for me to find my self and figure out who exactly I am and how I can be happy. It is so hard to sit with my self and think and talk to myself because of the conflicts and the introversion in my brain. I find it so hard to sit and ask myself, what I want on this earth.
But it seems I can never escape from what I am. And can never change it because I started believing that the universe has created me the way I am for a purpose.
I am sure that God brought me here for a reason and a person can never be born for nothing. There is something inside my soul saying that I am born for a strong purpose. But before that I need to find my self and know what exactly I want in this life. I must have a goal. I must have an outcome. But, what is it? It is bigger than I even imagined. It is so much wider than my thoughts and it is so hard for me to do it alone.
I know that there are lots of things that I am going to lose in my life, but what I am more sure about is that I will find my self at the end of all this. I might need to suppress my emotions and keep focusing on my own believes.