It has been a year since I wrote last. And that was for so many reasons which I can’t understand till today. It might be my internal childhood Ego. Or me feeling of betraying myself, or could be my culture and my religion obligations. It might be my ignorance or my arrogance towards what I was supposed to grow up and be; according to my families wish!
But today I cannot hold everything inside me anymore. I feel the pressure inside me. I feel the tension and the will to take it all out to fill better things inside me. It is time to empty some pace to refill it with positive emotions, attitude and behaviours. I have been holding on things that I have grown up with just because I am afraid to let go and get lost in this life. I am not really sure yet what is all this strange feeling about. But now I am very sure that it is time to let it flow and let whatever happens next happen.
Today, I woke up feeling so tense and extremely nervous. I am so fed up. I came back to my original country when I am not ready to be in it. I wanted to stay away for a while and work on myself more. But unfortunately faith wanted more than that.
I didn’t want to write because I didn’t want to see this written. I didn’t want to put it on paper that I am back to where I don’t want to b by force. I didn’t have the choice to make the decision regarding my return, but I had to come and finish up with things I needed to deal with.
And that has a lot of things to do with my working place and my father. They think that they have authority over me. They think that they know better about my future. They gave themselves the right to talk for me and decide for every step I have to take in my life without even asking me. It is so sad to say that, but it is true and I didn’t have a choice to accept or deny. That’s it, the decision has been taken and I am obliged to follow. Unfortunately no low can stand by me or protect me as a human.
I feel a lot of anger inside me. I don’t know where to take it out and towards who because no matter how I talk, they will never get it and they will never change their minds because they think they know better as men.
When I think about it sometime if el like crying but I have a second thought and say, my tears will not solve the issue I need to use my energy to something better. But sometime I feel useless and helpless towards myself. Because I don’t have right to talk for myself how can I work on it if I can not discuss it with anyone?
I am back to my family and I love it. But that doesn’t mean that I agree with what they believe in. But my culture and religion is forcing me to b a part of it and follow what they follow. I can’t disagree and I can’t discuss I am obliged to accept and be one of them. Sometimes, I feel like I am a walking robot. That makes me feel like screaming and cry. But even that I cannot do because I should not show my depression to the family it will be shameful to my parents who can’t make me happy.
I am angry. I am confused. I am depressed and I am lost. I don’t want to victimise myself but all what I am writing is true and I want to work on it.
