Is it right to fight?

Here i am on my new day after a sleepless night. Wondering and thinking again. Feeling content and emotional. Do not know what is exactly wrong with me. All the thoughts came together at ones and it is so hard for me to take. It is this bitter and painful indescribable feeling. It is the feeling of missing and loneliness. It is the feeling of pride and ignorance at the same time.

Last night all what came to my mind is how much i have fought for my life. I fought for going to school, and i remember that very well. When i was six years old and the school administration refused to enroll me because i was under age and i was supposed to be 7 in order to get into school. I still remember that day because it is one of the days which i learned how to get what i want. When they said that i can't get into the school, i went so frustrated and sat on the stairs at the entrance of the school and cried and said to my mum and the teachers that i am not moving unless they accept me in the school because i want to learn how to read and write, and i will not go home and i have the right to be in school. I remember one of the teachers laughed and spoke to the administration to let me join. So, i started school on the same day and i felt so proud that they accepted me with age of six.
I remember when my father wouldn't let me join any society in school and with my insistence he had to accept me being in one of them.

When i finished school he insisted that i should be a teacher and i went in tears saying that i will never be a teacher and here i am after fighting i am not what he wanted me to be, but he is so proud of what i am now. After my qualification i decided to go away from home and work for six months and they didn't have the choice to say no because i already decided and signed my contract.

What i remember most, is the fights that i had with my dad all those years for not allowing me to be in a relationship. I fought with all what i had. I fought with my strong words, my strong believes, my convincing way of communicating and my tears. I know i got no where after fighting for more than 6 years with him. But at the same time he knows very well that i was right and he was wrong and acting stubborn for no reason, but he never admitted it. I fought for every single thing came through my life, even for my brothers and sisters. I never accepted things that never made sense to me. That is the time when i realised that, we can get nothing without fighting. We can be buried alive if we just keep quiet and watch people killing our feelings and goals.

Why do they think that they can control our emotions? I thought the soul and emotions belong to the person himself. I don't understand why they think that they have the right to control everything we have; including our happiness and sadness. Even when we cry they force us to stop crying and when we laugh they tell us off and ask us not to laugh loud.
These emotions that come only once in a while and uncontrollable. How can they have the right to have the control over it? We have the right to laugh whenever we feel like laughing and we have the right to cry whenever we feel like crying. these feelings come at their timings and can never be changed or controlled or postponed with a remote control as they think.

Learning to fight inside myself gave me the courage of fighting whenever i think something is not right and is going very wrong. Since they i started having lots of conflicts with my family, i started feeling tired of all the fights. Sometimes i used to go back to whom i am, whenever i have the fear of losing my family or they may disown me. But most of the time i ended up being depressed and sad because that is not what i want.

The years passed and remained quiet but depressed. Fighting is not right and keeping quiet was killing me. I never had support from anyone with what was inside me. I lost my fathers trust and i lost my love which lasted for many years. I lost trust in myself too and i thought that the fault was mine to be stubborn when i know that i will end up in the same circle. I will live with a man who can take control over me because that is the way life is going in my society either i wanted or not.

Years and year were passing and i was the same. But sometimes i used to fight but i let them win because i get so emotional and tired. I cried and i got hysteric many times but no one to listen to me. I was different, so no one would come to my side because they never wanted to go through trouble and be cursed like me.

I lived like an animal who was looking or waiting for the same destiny (slotted). I waited for signs to lead me to the right way. I prayed so strongly and prayed and prayed day and night. I had a believe inside me that i will never end up like this. I was still fighting with even a small things that i cant accept in my life. I was fighting for silly thing but they were very serious to me and right. I even ended up not talking to my family for months, but i always trusted my feelings and i was confident that i was right.

I waited for so long and had the thought of leaving, but the fear controlled me. I am a girl who is used to be looked after and watched. I am not used to do things without telling anyone about them. I was scarred that i will be wrong and i will go back being bullied and punished severely. I am used to act like a pet who is waiting for someone to feed me and provide a place for me to live safely.

But i still fought. I fought for my freedom of choice when my dad said no the the man whom i wanted to marry and live all my life with. I fought and strongly refused the way he treated me when he replied to them without giving me the right of asking me if i want to marry him or not. I totally refused the way he treated me like a wall who doesn't have ears to be listened to. I fought when he said things that i never done. I fought with the way he was treating me arrogantly and proudly. I fought when he ignored my feelings and my wish in this life. I fought when he felt so confident that i am his statue in his house he can keep me as his belonging and sell me whenever he wanted. I fought when i saw him doing wrong things toward my mum and my family. My fights with him were serious and strong, but i never regretted what i did because i was right.

My biggest fight with him was last year and that is the time when i decided that i do not belong to that planet. That is the time when i was totally shocked with who he is by being a strong arrogant father. When he came to me and forced me to marry someone whom i never knew or never met. He abused me physically and emotionally with no mercy or regret. That was the biggest disappointment i ever had in my life. I fought more than i ever fought before. I went through allot of bitter moments but the outcome is the best thing i have done in my life.

That moment i believed in all what i was thinking in my entire life. That is the time when i got more convinced about my thoughts and my own believes. That is the moment when i learned that everyone lives his life for him own benefit. I felt happy for that moment to come because it cleared things and lightened my way. It showed me my path and it told me that this is the sign which you have been waiting for. It was about time and the time has come. It opened my brain which was washed and it cleared all the rubbish that it had inside. My heart said to me; Go for what you have been fighting for since you were a child. Look for your happiness and remember to come back and save other helpless girls in this world.

That was the moments when i appreciated all the fights that i have been through with lots of tears, but with a grateful heart. Fighting all these years made me a strong, confident and honest person to myself. It is bitter and it is so painful, but for sure it is what i want.