My soul

The last week passed around me like a strong cyclone; it was full of things happening in my surroundings. It was packed with tension, pressure, entertainment, socialisation, sadness and bitterness. I felt like I was going to collapse and give up. Everything was on an extreme high speed. My blood vessels were racing, my heart was pumping strongly, I could feel the pain in my chest and my brain was spinning in all directions at once.
I felt helpless, lost, confused, frustrated, annoyed, sad, happy, deeply hurt, guilty, and disappointed.
I could not stop my brain from thinking. I tried my best on working on it and work on arranging my thoughts together, but my brain took over the control and never allowed me to even communicate with it. I felt so tired from the whole thing and exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. But then I had no abilities to control on anything. I then decided to give up and let my brain do whatever it thinks it has to do. I felt that may be I am pushing it to do things which are not right or not on the right time.
I then, started trying to relax and think whatever happens must be happening for a reason and may be I should just let it go and see the outcome. I let go with everything and let my body take over the control of all what I feel. I tried so many time and so many way to relax but my body was still so tense and stiff. I accepted it and went with the flow feeling so exhausted and weak, but kept on going. The days passed and my brain was spinning more and more, thinking and going through everything in my life at the same time, impacting all the cells in it and causing me a lot of tension, headache, and emotional trauma which I could not control with all the tablets that I had.
Then I thought that I might need to start having sleeping tablets and may be I am stressing myself because I never allow my self to sleep. But, my brain kept driving my thoughts and the tablets never worked on me. I felt my heart is so constricted and tight and felt like opening my chest and allow it to breath freely and have some fresh air or manually contract it to release the pressure in it. I wanted any sort of solutions to stop all this because it was nearly killing me.
Felt like screaming, crying, laughing and dancing, but never worked.
I said to my self; may be I am wrong with all what I am doing and my body needs to take over me and I should give it a chance. May be the universe trying to show me something and I keep resisting it by closing all my senses and concentrating on other things.
I went out for couple of walks few days ago and I could hear the birds, wind looking at the sky and try to listen to something different than human’s voice and try to feel myself and let go with everything else, but never cared much.
One of them days I could feel that my ears are blocked and all what I heard was; birds, winds, waves, trains, cars, ambulance, police cars, kids crying, people laughing and water running, and at the same time my brain was thinking. I felt I was going crazy and something must be going wrong and I might need to see the doctor. But then, I allowed my self time to figure out what are these voices about and why do I have all this now. Day by day with the walks, and trying to listen to other voices, they allowed me to feel that I miss my self so much. And I miss my soul and humour.
I woke up two days ago realising that, I never asked my self how I want to be and what does my body needs for at least the past 15 years. I started knowing who I am within my self.
By remembering that; there is a person exists on earth, called ME, I could start working within my own soul. I could then feel that I can communicate with different things, and I felt that my own soul misses me so much and have missed the connection with my self long ago.
Realising only that, made me feel a little bit better, not relaxed but, I had the feeling of realisation, which made me relieved and satisfied.
It took me days to work on it by taking it easy, listen to my self and relax without acting towards it. I listened carefully to my own soul and I felt so emotional because I missed my soul, my self as a person and feeling the inside part of me waking up from a very deep sleep. Actually I woke up from a very long coma.
I have always thought that, I was awake the day I left my society, but I was wrong; I am just waking up. That was only an alarm which I switched off the day I arrived in this country.
Yesterday morning, I noticed that, I am so happy to find my self and I should keep talking to my soul and listen first carefully, then think, and then react. I could then appreciate who I am and could respect my self and felt the happy me who I have missed 15 years ago. I kept saying, I should like my self, appreciate who I am because that’s the way I prove my existence. I then started working on it, and started loving it. I love who I am and I admire the way that I deal with my life. I respect myself and with that only I felt my spirits going high with all the pressure that I am going through. That feeling only started relieving lots of things inside me. I felt that my body is warmer, my soul says; thank you for a appreciating me and my spirit kissing me all the time. I felt lighter than the days before, I felt like I was a dried and thirsty tree which started watering it self from the roots to the leaves. I can feel the roots in me and they are talking to me and working on coming back to life.
That feeling made me respect and love my self and working on how I should admire my self in a way or the other. Feeling it only made me starting admiring who I am and where I came from. And by admiring myself with high spirits, I feel that I can go forwards with no returns.
I went to sleep and all the thoughts as usual started racing and fighting which one should come to me first. But at the end as usual they all came and were clashing together from all directions. My head was going to blow off but couldn’t help it. Took my pain killer and sleeping tablet, but no my brain and my soul wanted to tell me something but couldn’t figure out what it was again. Suddenly, I felt some sort of relaxation in my body; I could feel my brains’ speed started slowing down. The thoughts started arranging them selves and I m never had any control on them. Everything was going slow and clearer as my brain and soul were communicating. My eyes were closed by everything in me was awake especially my brain.
Then, the thoughts of who I am came to me. I felt that, I love the way I am I love my self for many reasons. I love being a Muslim girl, because If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be who I am not. I would not be the respectful girl who values her self and value others. I would not be as polite and as considerate as I am. I wouldn’t be controlling my attitudes towards myself and the same to others. I wouldn’t start my life the way it started and made my brain grow slowly. I would have grown up faster, but I would have done lots of unacceptable mistakes and wrong decisions which I would regret doing by this age. I am so convinced with the way I am and love it. However, I have to change things but the best part is that I have control on every attitude I have inside me and I admire that so much.
I love my family, because if I grew up in a different family I wouldn’t be who I am. I appreciate each and everything they have done for me the good things and bad. Because if I didn’t go through the bad things I wouldn’t have learned anything I wouldn’t be here now.
I love the society that I came from despite the situations that I went through with them. But, I am one of them on my own way. If they didn’t do what they have done to me, I wouldn’t have learned from their mistakes. I would have stayed amongst them and liked it when I don’t belong to that place. That doesn’t mean that I am going back to it. But it means that I can set up my own life beautifully by remembering what I have learnt from those memories.
I finally started admiring myself. I feel so emotional for feeling it and finding my self. I decided to wake up and enjoy my day and felt that I have much missed the live parts of me. I missed the happy and joyful side of life and I promised my self that I should enjoy it as long as I feel it.